What Would Lester Burnham Say?

More nuttiness in Texas as their House approves a bill to ban “overtly sexually suggestive” cheerleading. (It awaits approval by the state Senate and signature by GOP Gov. Rick Perry.)

The bill would give the state education commissioner authority to request that school districts review high school performances.

Ooh, yeah. I can imagine that reviewing high school cheerleading performances to scrutinize them for sexual suggestiveness will become a favorite pastime of fat Texas principals in their too-tight polyester slacks.

"Girls can get out and do all of these overly sexually performances and we applaud them, and that's not right," said Democratic Rep. Al Edwards, who filed the legislation.

Is it really the applauding about which Edwards is worried? Or it celebrating their performances later with a masturbatory session in his dank basement that drives him to criminalize the cheerleading bump and grind?

Ribald performances are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," he said.

That’s right! And I demand to know when they’re going to stop football players from slapping each other on the bums. I find that very gay and therefore offensive.

One critic questioned the legislation's priorities.

"Have we done anything about stem cell research to help people who are dying and are sick advance their health? No," said Democratic Rep. Senfronia Thompson. "Have we done anything about the mentally ill, school finance or ethics?"

At least someone’s still got some sense in Texas.

Edwards argued bawdy performances are a distraction for students resulting in pregnancies, dropouts and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

I never knew a cheerleader who got pregnant, dropped out, or had an STD; usually those were the girls who stayed in school (if for no other reason than to be admired) and who were sophisticated enough to be on birth control or demand the use of condoms. Honestly, in my experience, it seems the biggest concern to have about cheerleading is that it can rot the brain.


Former cheerleader George Bush
Damn, it kinda looks like he’s getting a little sexually suggestive with that megaphone, you know what I mean?