Oh No, Please Don’t Let Me Die in a Shithouse

That’s what I’d be saying if the following happened to me, because I would be fighting off a massive heart attack:

A man is facing charges after police said they pulled him from a tank under a women's toilet that was filled with human waste.

Police said that Gary Moody, 45, was under a log cabin outhouse off the Kancamagas Highway in Albany.

"You can draw your own conclusions as to the conditions we encountered," said Capt. John Hebert, of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department.

Police said that they got a call from the parents of a teenage girl who said that when she went to use the facilities, she saw Moody's face staring back at her from the hole.

Moody was hosed off before police cuffed him.

Seriously, I cannot even imagine the terror of going into an outhouse (that alone is terrifying enough), looking down the crapper, and seeing a fucking face looking back! This actually happened in June, but I just heard about it on the radio today, and the guy was telling the story from the girl’s perspective, and when he got to the part about seeing the dude’s face, I nearly screamed. That is severely creepy.

Police said they don't know how long Moody was in the tank, but they said the door to it was locked, which means he must have gone in through the toilet. They said they don't know why he was there.

Guh. I’m probably going out on a limb here, but I’m going to guess…oh, I don’t know…a scat fetish?

Someone called into the show and said that her brother was an area cop and he had recently been on a call where they had to pull a guy out of an outhouse in a public park. He was wearing only pantyhose and claimed he had dropped his watch and was looking for it. Gak.

I didn’t really need one more reason to never use an outhouse, but I’m going to add “may be perverts in the shit tank” right to the top of the list.