Dare to Discipline: Are you smoking the pot?

After Spudsy’s disgusting and irresponsible post on the hideous pot-heads in Denver, I thought we’d better spend some more time with Dr. Dobson, who, unlike the deviants writing for this sick blog, purveying their sexual and narcotic filth, cares about this nation’s children.

In Chapter 6, “Discipline Gone to Pot,” the good doctor shares an article titled “Your Friend, Bill,” authored by John W. Carpenter, Chief of Police in that infamous hotbed of iniquity, Carpinteria, California, first published in Feb. 1970 in the FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin. Dr. Dobson notes that both Chief Carpenter and FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover gave their permission for him to reprint the article in Dare to Discipline. I have no such permission, but I trust in the interest of counteracting the potential damage done to children in the wake of Denver’s foolishness (and since I couldn’t run this site for profit even if I wanted to), they won’t mind.

“Your Friend, Bill” is “an explicit description of how an unwitting teenager can innocently fall into the drug trap.” In section 5, “A Marijuana Trip,” describes how, after taking “Reds” and not getting caught (I guess “Reds” are the real gateway drug), combined with the peer pressure your friend Bill was putting on you, “made you a receptive subject the day Bill and his friends asked you to go smoke pot with them… Besides, there had been all kinds of newspaper articles and television interviews with people, including college professors, who said marijuana was harmless.” And thus begins your first marijuana trip.

Bill explained that you first light the end of the joint, then cup it in your hands, let all of the air out of your lungs, put the cigarette in your mouth, and inhale all the smoke you can hold. Hold your breath and keep the smoke in your lungs as long as you can. Do you remember you were not too happy about this because you and your folks had discussed smoking, and your firmly believed it was bad for your health, so you let your breath out quicker than anyone else? This concern rapidly faded, however, for the euphoric feeling hit you almost at once. You felt lightheaded and slightly dizzy, and as this feeling increased, you felt light all over as if you could float. You then took a much longer drag on the cigarette without even considering the danger of smoking.

See that?! One hit off a joint and already you’re forgetting all the advice your parents gave you, you wretched little shit.

It seemed like the hands of the clock had stopped and time stood still. Do you recall how the recorded music seemed so much sharper, and you laughed when Bill described it as hearing in technicolor, wide screen, and 3-D, all rolled into one?

I think our friend Bill has laced the marijuana cigarettes with our friend peyote.

You felt as if you were talking in slow motion, and when you took a step, you feet appeared to be four feet off the floor. Everyone else was just sitting around the room laughing. Everything was funny.

Well, that is true. Everything does seem hilarious to a junky.

As you walked home that afternoon, you had mixed emotions.

Personally, I think a mixed drink is a better chaser than mixed emotions, but to each his own. Also, I’m a wicked, wicked girl.

You felt some guilt because you had done something wrong, but at the same time you were proud that Bill’s friends had accepted you. Also, marijuana was not as bad as you had heard. In fact, you thought it was great.

Shame on you. Only a traitorous heathen who hates puppies smokes pot for the first time and then realizes it’s nowhere near as bad as the oxycontin-chomping anti-drug alarmists would have you believe. Only an evil wee hellion would experience the mind-altering, parent-disrespecting effects of a marijuana cigarette and deny that a whirlwind addiction to heroin is just around the corner. For shame.

It’s a good thing we’ve got Dr. Dobson, Chief Carpenter, and J. Edgar Hoover to set us straight, that’s all I can say.