News from Shakes Manor: All the World’s a Stage

Because the rest of the news is depressing the hell out of me…

Last night, Mr. Shakes told me the following story, which he had dubbed My Strange Bathroom Story, and has consented to be retold for everyone’s collective amusement.

“Dooring my loonch hoor, I went oover to Boorder’s to broose for books, and soodenly I had to take a shite oot oof fooking noohere. Soo I asked if they had a bathroom and they did oon the secoond floor, soo I went oop there and foond two cubicles—oone was a noormal-sized cubicle, and oone was a huge oone for disabled people. I went to the smaller oone, boot it was coovered in vomit, soo I had noo choice boot to use the big oone or else I’d shite my breeks.

“Soo I goo in, and it’s ridiculoos! The bog is facing a giant bay windoo ooverlooking State Street! I can’t ooverstate how huge this windoo was—it went froom aboot a foot ooff the groond to the toop oof the wall, and it was proobably six feet wide or moore! And noothing to coover it—noot blinds or anything, and noo brackets as if they were joost missing! What the fook?!

“Noo I have to take a shite in froont oof the whoole bloody woorld! Acrooss the rood, there was constrooction gooing oon, and I coold make oot the woorkmen’s faces. And I coold see into all the windoos oof the oopposite building—and I’m thinking, ‘If the people aboove me happen to look doon, they’re gooing to see my meat and two veg!’ Helloo, you doodgy soods, get a good gander at my bits, didja? Quite a shoo, aye? Look at the fooking ploonker taking a doomp in froont oof a windoo!

“Had to wipe my arse and everything in froont oof the biggest windoo knoon to man. Fooking wankers!”

I said, “On the plus side, you probably used the cleanest toilet in all of Chicago.”

“Ooh, it was fooking pristine,” he said. “Good thing, too. Taking a shite in plain view is really quite embarrassing if your toilet isn’t in good nick.”