Think of the (Unborn) Children!

One of the things I most love about being a woman is how often, when some jackhole is trying to prevent you from doing something specifically because you’re a girl, you get patted on the head and reassured it’s just for your own good. It’s nice to be an adult and still treated like an infant.

Even better is when they use the old “it’s so you can still have babies someday” chestnut. This time, it’s the explanation for why women can’t compete in Olympic ski-jumping.

Siblings Alissa and Anders Johnson are two of the best ski-jumpers in the world. Alissa is ranked ninth among the top female jumpers, which is 141 spots higher than her brother in the men’s ranking. However, it’s her little 16-year old bro that is training for the Olympics, and not her.

So why can’t she join her brother, who has repeatedly said that Alissa is the better athlete? Gian-Franco Kasper, head of the International Ski Federation, had a pretty explanatory answer:

"Ski jumping is just too dangerous for women. Don't forget, [the landing] it's like jumping down from, let's say, about two meters to the ground about a thousand times a year, which seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view."

And it only gets worse. The reasons given to Alissa were a bit more in detail:

"So far, we've been told every excuse in the book. That it's too 'dangerous' for girls. That there aren't enough of us. That we're not good enough. That it would damage our ovaries and uterus and we won't be able to have children, even though that's not true. It's so outdated, it's kind of funny in a way. And then it's not."

Oh, so that’s why it’s “medically inappropriate”! It’s more appropriate for a lady to become a mommy than to become the best female ski-jumper in the world.

I also love it when the term “ladies” is invoked in these kinds of arguments. Because, you know, if you were a lady, you wouldn’t want to go careening off into some absurd, high-flying destiny and would be content to stay at home and have your babies like a good girl.

In any case, if preventing possible reproductive injury or sterility is a legitimate concern for Olympians, we might want to ban men from the Summer Olympics altogether. Heat is one of the main causes of low sperm counts.

As is frequent intercourse, ironically enough. If a guy does it a lot (or even masturbates a lot), his sperm count can drop so low as to render him effectively infertile. So, we’d better make sure all our male Olympians are celibate, just in case. Of course, then that might make them jumpy and distracted—so probably we should just not allow any heterosexuals into the Olympics. Let the gay guys compete for the medals, while the breeders stay home and make babies, as any gentlemen should be inclined to do, just like the ladies.

But then again, a lot of gay guys want to be dads these days, too. Eh, just screw it and cancel the whole Olympics. The future of humanity clearly depends on it.