We’ve had it all wrong.

You see, Brokeback Mountain isn’t about the pain and anguish of the pressure to conform to a narrow definition of normal, marginalization, or loss. We’ve had it all wrong. Luckily, the helpful ex-gay organization Exodus is here to set us straight—no pun intended, of course.

"Brokeback Mountain is a powerful story of painful oppression and unbridled obsession," said [Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International]. "The film does an exceptional job painting a picture of the heartbreaking devastation so many endure in gay life."

Chambers says, though, that for the hundreds of thousands of former homosexuals that he represents, the cause for such internal struggle came from an entirely different source. "Our unhappiness and conflict came not as a result of an unreceptive environment, but from believing the culture's 'born-gay' message and resigning ourselves to an unhappy life dominated by unwanted same-sex attractions."

Ahh. Thanks for clearing that up, Al. Though, the idea that people are “born gay” wasn’t exactly part of mainstream thinking at the time during which the film took place, so—oh, what’s that? You’re not done babbling yet? Pardon me. Go on.

He added, "Through Jesus Christ, we found a path towards change and ultimate peace -- a love story overpowering all others. We share our life stories knowing that others have been changed by this truth and so many more are longing to hear it."

Well, gee. Who can argue with that?

I do find it interesting, however, that the path to Breederville always seems to lead through Jesus Gully, especially since Jesus never really mentioned anything about curing homosexuality. I have vague recollections of his laying hands on the sick…and the lame…but nope, no fags that I can remember.

I dunno. Call me a heretic (I know you will, Al, you cheeky git), but it seems to me that if ungaying oneself were really possible, as you claim—as opposed to just forcing your square peg into a round hole; again, no pun intended—there would be prominent gay-be-gone programs that revolved around, say, psychological theory, or cultural anthropological theory, or sociological theory, in addition to religious programs like Exodus. Except any credible psychologist, anthropologist, or sociologist will explain that the reason there aren’t any such programs offered by their communities is that sexuality can’t be “cured.” Not homosexuality, not heterosexuality, nor any other sexuality on the spectrum in between. And they’ll probably mention that there’s no need for sexuality cures, anyway. It’s just a little curious that the only place a gay can go to degayify happens also to be the only place that condemns it.

I know what you’re thinking, Al. You’re thinking, That’s not a coincidence. We offer the only hope to the gays because we’re only place that recognizes its sinfulness. But here’s the thing—once upon a time, not so long ago, the medical and social sciences communities agreed with you. They tried everything to get the gay out—hypnotism, shock treatment, drugs, lobotomies—and nothing worked, short of completely reducing the sexual being into not much of a living being at all. It’s been done. And discarded.

So I wonder, Al, is Jesus really the way to ex-gay? Or is he just the only available cover story for people who have been guilted and shamed into living a lie—the remnant of a time we remember so easily when we watch Brokeback Mountain?