Breaking News: Elton John Says “Goodbye, Tom DeLay”

This is really touching. Elton John—and who better, really?—has quickly reworked his Candle in the Wind, originally written for Marilyn Monroe and later revamped for Princess Diana, as a tribute to our fallen former House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay. Said the funky songster, “I was just heartbroken by the tragic loss of this great American hero, and also, I’m about to go bankrupt again, so show me the money, bitches. Mama needs $250,000 worth of flowers for her bungalow on the French Riviera!”

The new single won’t be released for several weeks, but one of my top secret sources has managed to get me an advance copy. It’s really special; I must admit, it brought a tear to my eye. So here it is—a Shakespeare’s Sister exclusive: Elton John’s Fart in the Wind, a tribute to Tom DeLay.

Goodbye, Tom Delay;
May you waste away in the state penn.
You are the ass who made himself
The liege of crooked men.

You really are an asshole;
Hope you enjoyed your fleeting fame.
Now you belong to Satan,
And his spunk spells out your name.

And it seems to me you lived your life ‘
Like a fart in the wind:
Ever stinking, odor lingering,
Even when rain set in.
And I really will not miss you,
Nor your loathsome slimy trail;
I wish you all that you deserve
As your dumb ass rots in jail.

Goodbye, Tom DeLay;
Though your exit was rather abrupt,
We’ll celebrate it nonetheless—
You’re such a douche and so corrupt.

And even though we try,
The truth brings us to tears;
All our words cannot express
How we despised you through the years.

And it seems to me you lived your life ‘
Like a fart in the wind:
Ever stinking, odor lingering,
Even when rain set in.
Goodbye, Tom DeLay;
We’re so glad to see you go.
We hate your vile countenance
More than you'll ever know.