Every time I phone you, I just wanna put you down...

A message from your friendly neighborhood phone tap:
Hi, kids! My name is Localized Telephone Surveillance Unit 53-4, but you can call me PT. That’s what all my friends call me, and you know what? I think we’re going to be great friends!

Now, I don’t know what your mommies and daddies have told you, but you look like patriots to me- hooray for patriots!- so I think you should be aware that America, the most wonderful country in the whole wide world, has enemies. There are bad people out there, a hundred times worse than all the Boogeymen combined, and they want to hurt America; they want to take away all your ice cream and pizza and toys, and force the girls to wear hoods and the boys to wear bombs, and that’s no fun, is it friends. These bad people, they’re called terrorists, and what they want most in the world is to hurt us and our way of life And we have to do whatever we can to make sure that doesn’t happen.

That’s where I come in! You see, by order of the President, the man that your mommies and daddies elected to protect us from the bad men, me and others like me now spend our days listening to the phone conversations of millions of Americans, so that we can be absolutely sure that no one is saying anything they shouldn’t. This may sound scary at first, but you’re all good little boys and girls, right? So you have nothing to hide from me and my brothers and sisters! Think of us as guardian angels; just like God, we hear everything, but we only take action when it’s absolutely necessary, and when we do, it’s entirely for your benefit. Isn’t that nice?

Now that you know about my team, I’d like to ask you kids to do us all a favor. Whenever you call someone, it’s very important that you speak clearly and slowly; that way, if I’m on the line too, I’ll know right away that I’m listening to one of the good guys. Also, if you ever need to say any foreign names, like Abu-Garib or Francois, be sure to spell each name after you say it, so I can have my friends at the FBI make super keen background checks to make sure everyone is on the up and up.

Not everyone believes in what I’m doing- now, I understand that’s hard to believe, that anyone could be so selfish as to argue with a government who is only doing what’s best for everyone, but there are folks out there who just don’t realize that in the time of war, you have to make sacrifices, and these people are going to try and tell you, well, bad things. They’ll tell you we’re invading your privacy, we’re “violating civil rights,” whatever that means- and kids, that’s just not true. We’re not invading anything, we’re just paying more attention; and honestly, where do they think their privacy comes from? Elves? It comes from the Constitution, and that’s part of the government, so how could we invade something that we gave you in the first place?

Listen to what your parents and teachers have to say, kids. Some of them are going to try and tell you what I said today is wrong, and that’s all right. Your parents and teachers have opinions, and you should always respect adults. The problem is, these days opinions can be dangerous. So I want you to promise me that if anyone starts saying things- bad things about our President maybe, who is the most important person in the country and deserves our respect- I want you, the first chance you get, to call somebody on the phone. Doesn’t matter who; just make sure you tell them everything you heard, and either me or one of my friends will hear and get right on it. We’re here to help, but we can’t do that without you. You’re the future of this great land, and if we don’t have you behind us, we don’t have anything. Remember: you won’t hear breathing on the line, but we’re always listening.