I'm in the money... I'm in the money...

So, the husband and I have purchased a condo in the lovely River North area of Chicago. Fortunately for us, we managed to get our grubby little mitts on it during the pre-construction phase, which means we got it at a reasonable price. We're still stretching our budget like silly putty, but it looks like we're actually going to be able to do this.

Now, since it is pre-construction, we're kind of stuck with our move-in date. Can't move into a half-finished structure, after all. We've been told that hopefully we'll be able to move in during late July/early August. Fine. Except for the fact that our lease is up in our current apartment on June 1st.

We asked our landlord of the possibility of going to a brief, 3 month lease. He agreed, but he's raising our rent $300 a month.

He reasons thusly: He claims that our rent is lower than what "most people pay in our neighborhood" (and just try disproving that,) because he doesn't pay our heat/gas bill (we pay that ourselves). Since we're extending our lease into months where we won't be using heat, the rent hike is justified.

Argh.

So, along with closing and moving costs, we're feeling the pinch of an extra three bills every month. But I'm not worried. I've figured out a way to make all the money we need, plus bonus cash for that flatscreen I've got my eye on that will look so good over the fireplace.

I'm going to hire myself out to spank Republicans for money.

And the money is honey-sweet, baby.

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- An executive at a heart disease charitable foundation who embezzled close to a quarter of a million dollars over two years to pay a dominatrix to beat him was sentenced Tuesday to two to six years in prison.

Abraham Alexander, an accounts payable executive at the Manhattan Cardiovascular Research Foundation, admitted to stealing $237,162 and spending most of it on services provided by a Columbus, Ohio-based dominatrix called Lady Sage.

"Most of it?" Geez. And Lady Sage... man, that's an awesome dominatrix name.

Lady Sage's Web site features dozens of photographs of the stern, unsmiling dominatrix carrying a whip. She is seen in some pictures wearing a feathered boa over leather or with a metal-studded thong bikini in high-heeled boots.

She lists her services at $250 for the first hour and $200 for each additional hour. An eight-hour session costs $1,500 and 12 hours runs clients $2,000. Lady Sage also commands $1,000 a day in travel expenses if she has to beat a customer on his own turf.

"Beat a customer on his own turf." This is the best article ever.

Hot damn! I could make up the difference in our rent in an hour or so. Hell, with the repressed sexual urges making Republicans explode into fountains of kink left and right, I bet even a doofy-looking guy like me could man-whore himself into a swanky pad.

Santorum isn't allowed anywhere near my dog, though. Even a kinky man-whore has to have some standards.

Come on, Gannon! We can share a dungeon office space! I'm calling myself "Sir Parsley."

(Tip 'o the Energy Dome to Pam. Some cross-posts want to use you... some of them want to get used by you...)