Armageddon Tired of Witless Screwballs

Operation Hasten the Apocalypse:

For thousands of years, prophets have predicted the end of the world. Today, various religious groups, using the latest technology, are trying to hasten it.

Their endgame is to speed the promised arrival of a messiah.

For some Christians this means laying the groundwork for Armageddon.

…Then there is Clyde Lott, a Mississippi revivalist preacher and cattle rancher. He is trying to raise a unique herd of red heifers to satisfy an obscure injunction in the Book of Numbers: the sacrifice of a blemish-free red heifer for purification rituals needed to pave the way for the messiah.

So far, only one of his cows has been verified by rabbis as worthy, meaning they failed to turn up even three white or black hairs on the animal's body.

I’m not going to judge you, Clyde. It’s no weirder than my unique herd of two-tailed possums, who I bathe every night in a mixture of flaxseed oil and catmint leaves while I chant a Druid evocation that will hopefully make Al Gore run for president.

By contrast, Bill McCartney, a former University of Colorado football coach and co-founder of the evangelical Promise Keepers movement for men, which became huge in the 1990s, has had a devil of a time getting his own apocalyptic campaign off the ground.

It's called The Road to Jerusalem, and its mission is to convert Jews to Christianity — while there is still time.

"Our whole purpose is to hasten the end times," he said. "The Bible says Jews will be brought to jealousy when they see Christians and Jewish believers together as one — they'll want to be a part of that. That's going to signal Jesus' return."

Jews and others who don't accept Jesus, he added matter-of-factly, "are toast."

Mmm. Jewish toast. I like mine with lox.

Oh, sorry. My stomach is growling. What I meant to say is, I can totally imagine all the Jews I know being “brought to jealousy” by the Promise Keepers. Nothing says “ultimate Jew experience” like packing into an open-air stadium with 50,000 of your closest sweaty Gentile friends in beer-stained NASCAR t-shirts.

Over in Mississippi, Lott believes that he is doing God's work, and that is why he wants to raise a few head of red heifers for Jewish high priests. Citing Scripture, Lott and others say a pure red heifer must be sacrificed and burned and its ashes used in purification rituals to allow Jews to rebuild the temple.

But Lott's plans have been sidetracked.

Facing a maze of red tape and testing involved in shipping animals overseas — and rumors of threats from Arabs and Jews alike who say the cows would only bring more trouble to the Middle East — he has given up on plans to fly planeloads of cows to Israel. For now.

Dude, don’t give up your dream. The Middle East won’t even notice any more trouble. It’s, like, a complete mess over there. What are a few red heifers grazing among the centuries-old in-fighting, hatred, and religious intolerance? Nothing, that’s what.

Bring on the Apocalypse, bitchez!