The Devil Busies Himself With Utah Politics

Because there’s nothing much for him to do these days, what with the Bush administration having taken over so many of his usual duties:

John Jacob, a Congressional candidate from Utah, said Thursday that Satan was trying to keep him out of office.

…"There's another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington, D.C. It's the devil is what it is. I don't want you to print that, but it feels like that's what it is," he said, apparently unaware that pleas for secrecy are like catnip to journalists.

…"I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him," he said. "Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

This is exactly what came to pass, because Satan deemed it so.

After—shockingly—being branded kind of a crackpot for blaming Lucifer for his political problems (which include “business deals gone sour, allegations that he aided illegal immigrants, and revelations that the devout Mormon used the gamble”), Jingleheimer-Schmidt issued a clarification, explaining, “What I was trying to say, and obviously didn’t do it very well, is that over the last eight months I’ve had more adversity in my life than I’ve had in the last 10 years.”

Well, I suppose it could be the devil unearthing his dirty little dealings and emptying his closet of its cobwebbed skeletons, but I suspect it has more to do with the fact that he’s challenging a five-term incumbent Republican—and the GOP don’t mess around, bitch. As John McCain once whispered in his sleep, “I’ve seen Karl Rove. I’ve known Karl Rove. Karl Rove was an enemy of mine. Beelzebub, you are no Karl Rove.”