Random Eddie Izzard Blogging

There must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:

Darth Vader: "I will have the penne al'arrabiata."

Canteen Worker: "You'll need a tray."

DV: "Do you know who I am?"

CW: "Do you know who I am?"

DV: "This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought."

CW: "Well, you'll still need a tray."

DV: "No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor."

CW: "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on."

DV: "Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realize. Hahahaha...Oh...tray for the....yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death."

CW: "A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here."

DV: "Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star."

CW: "What's the Death Star?"

DV: "This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!"

CW: "This is a star?"

DV: "This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss."

CW: "You're Mr. Stevens?"

DV: "No, I'm...Who is Mr. Stevens?"

CW: "He's Head of Catering."

DV: "I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought."

CW: "Wha?"

DV: "I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just...fine, I'll get a tray! Fuck it! This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not... No, no, no! I was here first!"

Other guy: "You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have uh....Ooo, penne al'arrabiata. That'd be very nice."

DV: "No, no, no! Do you know who I am?"

CW: "That's Jeff Vader that is!"

DV: "I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader."

OG "What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?"

DV: "No, Jeff....No, I run the Death Star."

OG: "You Jeff Vader?"

DV: "No, I'm Darth Vader."

OG: "Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?"

DV: "I can't get his....No, I'm Jeff...Alright, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!"

OG: "Could I have your autograph?"

DV: "No, fuck off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne al'arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!"

CW: "Do you want peas with that?"

DV: "Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in...you can't put...it doens't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh alright! Put some peas in."