Stop it.

No, seriously, stop it.

NEW YORK (AFP) - "I think it's sexy," Donald Bradford, 26, says of the bushy growth that has adorned his upper lip for the past two months.

You are wrong. And you're not funny.

Largely shunned since the 1980s, moustaches are enjoying something of a renaissance among young New Yorkers, following a comeback trail blazed by such hip role models as actor Nicholas Cage and the ultra-trendy fashion photographer Terry Richardson.

You know what was the last big thing enjoying "something of a renaissance among young New Yorkers?" The mesh trucker hat. Great idea, dumbasses. I've got news for you: Just because someone in New York decides that something is cool, doesn't make it cool.

"It's just cool, right?, and it's fun," said Bradford, a tall man with blonde highlights in his hair to match his silver jacket.

No, it's not cool. It's tacky and revolting. You have highlights in your hair that match your silver jacket. You are dumb. No one should listen to you.

Della Vale's devotion to facial hair prompted him to make a documentary "The Glorious Moustache Challenge" in which he persuaded 30 men to grow moustaches for a month to see what difference it made in their lives and the reactions of those around them.

"For the first month, everybody is against it, especially the women," he said. "They say, 'Please don't do that, you remind me of my father ... or a 70s porn star'."

Because you do. See example above. Just stop it.

Iconic images of movie stars and characters who championed the moustache -- Clark Gable, Sean Connery, Inspector Clouseau, Marlon Brando in "The Godfather" -- were projected onto a giant screen to appreciative applause.

But the real adulation was reserved for a photo of the contestants' main hero, Tom Selleck, who brought stache-style to the masses in the early 1980s with the television cop series "Magnum."

Oh, Christ. Hey, you morons... notice something about Tom Selleck these days? He shaved.

"It's a male accessory, just like highlights or make-up for women," said Vasseur. "I would feel naked without it."

It's not a "male accessory." It's a dumbass trend that you think makes you hip and ironic. You would be wrong.

"It's almost like a tongue-in-cheek kind of style," said James Bassil, editor-in-chief of the male lifestyle website, AskMen.com.

"Look how cool I am! I'm ironic! Moustaches are stupid, but I'm wearing one, and I know it's stupid, therefore I'm totally hip and cutting edge! Look at me! Loooook at meeeee!"

"The general impression that women have of moustaches is either they love them or they are absolutely repulsed by them, and there's no real middle ground," Bassil said.

Find me a woman that loves moustaches. No, really, I'll wait.

*plays solitare*

None? Not one? I rest my case.

"And there needs to be a middle ground for a fashion or a facial hair trend to be adopted en masse permanently," he added.

No, there doesn't.

Moustaches are abominations. The only good moustache is the song "Moustache" by the Sparks.

Just. Stop. It.

(A lady gets a lot of things, she gets a twenty-carat cross-post...)