Barf

Some British wankers have compiled what they claim are the top 10 pick-up lines. Some examples from the list:

1. Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

2. Didn't it hurt when you fell from heaven?

3. You must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day.

4. The only things your eyes haven't told me is your name.

If anyone had the foolish notion to treat me as the intellectual equivalent of a spoiled parsnip by uttering one of those foul lines at me, I would kick him in the head.

Here’s the best part, from a publisher’s spokeswoman, on their having translated the pick-up lines into multiple languages:

”Our chat-up lines show budding English-speaking Romeos how to impress the girl of their dreams whatever country she is from, but it also allows British women to wise up to the charms and cheeky ways of foreign suitors.”

Lucky gals. If only I’d had the benefit of their lady-smartening education, perhaps I would have thought twice about swooning when Mr. Shakes waxed romantic about how heaven must be missing an angel.

(For the record, the line that really did get me was: “Don't you just love Saturday mornings? Especially ones like today, when the rain is pelting off the window, the wind is whistling round the eaves, and you know you have nothing to do except tuck into your bacon rolls and slurp your tea. If you’re a lazy hog, who loves sitting by a roaring fire with your feet up and a book on your lap, then it's simply bliss.” It was a short distance from there to the two of us blissfully being lazy hogs on rainy Saturday mornings together.)

Has anyone ever successfully delivered a line like those listed above, or responded favorably to one? I can’t imagine it happening—aside from, perhaps, if it was delivered (and received) with a hefty dose of well-played irony.