Is the US Rapture-Ready?

Lo these many months, I have directed your attention toward many excellent petitions, but none have come close to warranting your prompt and undivided attention as this one, passed on by Shaker Pope Bandar bin Turtle—the petition to the US Citizenship and Immigration Services demanding Citizenship for Jesus Christ.

To: US Citizenship and Immigration Services

We, the Christians of Americans, demand that you grant the US Citizenship to Jesus Christ, the son of God.

We, the good Christians of America know that our Lord and Savior will return to earth and we want to make sure he has a legal status in the USA.

Sincerely,
The Undersigned

Perusing the signatures, I see that Jesus Christ has himself signed the petition (#8, #21, etc.), as well as such luminaries as Satan (#18, #91, etc.), George W. Bush (#11, #29), Benito Mussolini (#41), Fidel Castro (#53), Vlad the Impaler (#118), the Reverend Jerry Falwell (#143), Charlton Heston (#120), Luke Skywalker (#33), Mickey Mouse (#82, #136), Batman (#123), and the Flying Spaghetti Monster (#162).

Petition brought to you by Great Patriot Shelley the Republican, who I’m sure would be extremely pleased to see some more important signatories lining up to urge the DHS to grant Jesus citizenship. There are 166 signers already, so get your name added quickly before it’s lost in the calamitous rush of people who want our nation to get Rapture-Ready pronto, buster.