McCain’s Beatable; I Beat Him With the Blunt End of My Bitchiness All the Time

Ezra reports that The Clenis is not especially enthusiastic about Hillary running for pres, because he believes that McCain is unbeatable in 2008. Drum and Farley aren’t buying the unbeatable meme. Neither am I.

In a response to Drum, Ezra notes, “I don't know if [McCain will] make it through the Republican primary and lord knows he could lose his temper, or get caught with a naked boy, or whatever else, but I think much of the blogosphere is bafflingly sanguine about his candidacy.” Totally accurate, my one-woman battle to render void McCain’s ambitions for the presidency, no less the local dog catcher, notwithstanding. But I’m not so sure they’d remain so sanguine in the event he receives the nomination, and McCain is rather wonderfully easy to disassemble into a collection of putrid little pieces once you really get going.

Starting with the above picture. And now for some greatest hits about the Arizona sun-baked turd…

On McCain’s support of intelligent design being taught in schools: Anyone who still thinks this jagoff's a maverick after the bootlicking he gave Bush during the last election is living in cloud cuckoo land. His alleged independent streak came to a screeching halt as it collided with the stumbling zombie corpse of his credibility the moment he stood in New Hampshire with his arm around the shoulders of the man whose operatives called his wife a junky and his adopted daughter illegitimate. He may have been honorable and brave once upon a time, but he’s not anymore.

On McCain’s slavish devotion to Dear Leader: [P]erhaps McCain is actually a Real Doll, as it occurs to me that the owners of Real Dolls and the Bush administration have approximately the same needs—loyalty, compliance, someone who looks real enough but doesn’t ask too many questions, a realistic body with no brain to help convey one’s basest urges. And I don’t think McCain is the only Real Doll floating around the Beltway. He’s certainly not the only GOP hack willing to get repeatedly fucked while never saying a word.

On McCain’s being a whiny-ass titty baby: If this buttfor can’t even hack a heckling audience, how does he expect to be president?

On McCain’s brilliant foreign policy strategery: That’s what you call undeniable genius, friends. So brilliantly simple, it’s amazing that no one has considered it before. Tell the Shiites and the Sunnis to stop the bullshit. My word; it’s astounding. The ultimate Straight Talk in all its shimmering glory. What McCain didn’t share with his well-heeled supporters is the second part of his Straight Talkin’ a Solution to the Iraq Crisis Plan. But as you know, I have the best informants in all of the blogosphere, and one of them has gotten me a copy of McCain’s entire plan. If you thought “Phase One: Stop the Bullshit” was outstanding, wait until you get a load of “Phase Two: No, Seriously—I Mean It.”

On McCain’s capitulation to the administration: Bush and pals have been delivering one huge, heaping helping of abuse on McCain’s chocolate rosebud ever since the 2000 campaign. I guess the old man likes it, because he sure doesn’t seem to object.

On McCain’s endorsement of the Protect Arizona Marriage Amendment: If that picture of Douche McCain with his arms wrapped around Dear Leader, clinging to him like shit to a shoe tread and longing, so desperately longing, to be cradled with pure, unsullied manlove, isn’t enough to make you projectile vomit your entire intestinal track, this ought to do the trick—brave maverick McCain, after opposing the Federal Marriage Amendment seeking to ban gay marriage, has pulled the old switcheroo and endorsed the Protect Marriage Arizona Amendment. …McCain’s opposition to the FMA was based not on any love he had for the LGBT community, but because he felt it was “antithetical in every way to the core philosophy of Republicans…[and] usurps from the states a fundamental authority they have always possessed and imposes a federal remedy for a problem that most states do not believe confronts them.” …But now, just over a year later, his home state has decided it needs to confront this “problem,” and so he’s happy to throw gays to his sun-roasted wingnut constituents for their frenzied feral bacchanal. Not a trace of irony, nor a moment’s hesitation, nor the merest, passing flicker of recognition is to be found in his countenance as he plows forward with an endorsement that suggests even if a national marriage amendment isn’t part of the core philosophy of Republicans, bigotry and hatred are.

On McCain’s maverick credentials: As far as I can tell, a modern conservative can best be described as a wanton opportunist with zero integrity and an unhinged lust for power who panders to corporations, phony Christians, social Darwinists, and all other manner of hateful gits who have relied on undeserved privilege for generations and would like to keep it that way. McCain the So-Called Maverick fits that bill to a bloody T. He’s no rebel; he’s just another soulless conservative wanker looking for a shot at the Big Time.

On McCain being a hypocritical, lying douche: My only question is where he buys his trousers. It’s got to be some kind of specialty shop, because I’ve never noticed his enormous set of balls, but only a dude with gonads that could take out ten pins each could pull a stunt like this while simultaneously running a PAC called Straight Talk America.

On McCain’s laughably impotent anti-torture bill: Way to go, McCain. Nothing like giving the architects of a torture policy that finds the Geneva Conventions “quaint” the ability to claim they're really anti-torture by passing your useless bill, all while they continue to “systematically torture” people. Fine work, sir.

On McCain’s love affair with Jerry Falwell: You know those formulaic romantic comedies where the two protagonists start out hating each other, lobbing invectives and rolling their eyes, storming off in huffs and swearing how much they despise one another, until, eventually, they realize they are perfect complements and then they fall head over heels in love? This is one of those stories. It’s about a feisty POW named John and a crackpot preacher named Jerry. When they first met, John called Jerry “an agent of intolerance” who exerts an "evil influence" over the GOP. Jerry sniffed that John was just a Republican in sheep’s clothing. But soon, the passion of their feuding began to fuel the flames of love, and now it’s only a matter of time before John’s sporting a glimmering rock on his left hand. In fact, if a little plot device known as the Surprise Engagement at the Big Event doesn’t play out when John speaks at Jerry’s university’s graduation, this just won’t be the perfect wee drip of romantic treacle it’s been shaping up to be.

On McCain’s endorsement of racist ninny George Wallace, Jr.: As for John McCain: Straight Talkin’ White Supremacist, here’s his Straight Talk on Wallace, via one of his top advisers, John Weaver: “George Wallace Jr., is an enlightened progressive leader who always speaks of tolerance and carries forth his father's views at the end of his life. He has strong support across the racial and political spectrum.” Keep on selling that load of shit, you daft prick. Come 2008, we’ll see who’s buying.

On McCain’s batshit crazy attack on Senator Obama: Let us never cease to speak of McCain with the firm conviction that he is an asshole, a man who will lovingly embrace the cretin whose political machine called his wife a junky and his daughter an illegitimate black child.

McCain's beatable. It's just a matter of breaking down his undeserved reputation as a maverick with unassailable integrity by revealing the muck beneath his brittle surface. And I've got a stash of ammunition just waiting to be handed out to whomever's willing to take him down with me.