Put those breasts away, young lady!

The Arlington, TX school district will be starting the school year with a new rule: “The display of cleavage is unacceptable. Low cut blouses, tops, sweaters, etc. with plunging necklines are not allowed.”

Teen fashions often leave parents a little disgruntled. Arlington Independent School District parent Frances Henson said, “I'm thinking that our daughters are growing up a little bit too fast these days.”

You’re darn tootin’, Frances! And when teenage girls start asserting their sexuality, the best thing we can do is shame them for it. Sure, some liberal birdbrains might suggest that some kind of discussion about body image and self-objectification could be in order, followed by letting girls make their own decisions, but why bother with all that nonsense, when telling them their body parts are dirty—unless they’re stuck on top of beer cans—is actually much better preparation for adult womanhood in America.

“It's gotten bad enough that, unfortunately, our young males are looking at more than their English book, their speech book, their science book,” says school board president Sherri Wade. “And it's kind of nice to have something left to the imagination.”

Even some teenagers agree there is a problem. “I think it's good that they're doing it,” said student, Tyler Edwards.

I think we’ve just discovered the root of that (mythical) Boy Crisis. If the girls would just put their dang titties away, maybe the boys could get some work done!

I predict that Arlington’s Clevage Embargo will soon catch on throughout the land—and within two years, we’ll see boys heading back to college in record numbers.

While most parents support the new rule, some worry that enforcing it could be a challenge. “I think that's going to be a little tricky, because it puts a little bit of a policeman approach to the educators, and they really need to focus more on teaching,” said Tom Pederson, AISD parent.

A little bit policeman…and a little bit perv. (That’s my favorite Donnie and Marie song, by the way.) The rule provides for the disciplining of any (female) student who wears a shirt with a neckline “more than four inches below the neck.” I imagine I’m not the only woman who remembers at least one creepy high school teacher who would have dedicatedly endeavored to enforce that rule by carrying around a ruler in his shirt pocket.

Dearest drama teacher, whom any girl with sense would avoid on the last day of school, because of your “too tonguey to be teacherly” goodbye-for-summer kisses, where are you now…?

(Hat tip Sploid.)