Public Predations

Old Standards, New Words PR
Internal memo, re: The “Captain”

Let’s get the elephant (ha-ha) in the room out of the way. Obviously, this is a huge project we’ve been assigned, and one that’s going to be top priority for the entire firm. I’m tremendously excited about the opportunities here, real groundbreaking opportunities to change the way we as an industry and the public at large define “Public relations.” I’ve been getting a sense of that excitement in the halls- nice job on the banners, Debbie- and while, yes, we have lost a few members of the firm who weren’t entirely on board for our new direction, I like to think of it as winnowing away the dross. Or something to that effect. Regardless, best of luck to Mohammed, Terrance, and Ceila.

Before I continue, a big thank you to Larry Hardman, and an even bigger thank you to Larry’s dad, Elroy. If it wasn’t for the senior Hardman’s commitment to Halliburton, the “Captain” and his “crew” might have passed us over entirely. (Note: our new client is very concerned with secrecy, a concern I expect every employee to respect and keep in consideration. Whoever’s been whistling “Hail to the Chief” over the intercom the past few days needs to stop.)

The basic problem, as I see it, is perception. Like many of our previous clients, the “Captain” has made a number of difficult, high profile decisions in the past few years, and through no fault of his own, those decisions have tainted him in the eyes of the public. It’s one of the tragedies of our modern media age; good men are ruined by their past mistakes. Which, again, were probably not mistakes to begin with.

Our job here is to avoid direct debate over the hot-button topics (Iraq, wire-tapping, bigotry, conspiracy, fraud, brush-clearing)- we can’t get dragged into petty squabbles, we need to focus on the big picture, and we need to change that big picture until its something that the majority people can support without getting worked up that some stranger is getting his teeth bashed in some country none of them can spell.

To that effect, here are a few ideas we’ve spit-balled up in the main office:

1. FREE ICE CREAM- It’s simple, it’s direct, and all it requires is a small investment in setting up special goodwill parlors in major cities across the country. Everybody likes free things, everybody likes ice cream (there might be some fall out from diabetics and dentists, but nobody likes them anyway), and each free cup will have a picture of the “Captain”’s smiling face, with the logo, “This One’s On Me.” We’re aiming for sort of a Mark Twain/God image, without all the bothersome bitterness/Old Testament crap.

2. JESUS! JESUS! PUPPIES! AND JESUS!- Clearly, we can’t provide Jesus and puppies to more than few hundred citizens, but this is more of a poster campaign. The “Captain” is in favor of both of Jesus and puppies, and that people have forgotten this fact is a sad statement about American and world politics in general. I’m thinking we do some photo-ops with the dogs (and possibly Jesus, or perhaps an actor playing Jesus? Get that Cavaziel guy, everyone recognizes him), we remind folks that the “Captain” is gregarious and warm-hearted, and we indicate- without ever coming out and saying it- that anyone who disagrees with him is against Jesus, puppies and basic human decency.

3. WELL, YOU’RE NOT DEAD YET, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT UP- Torture is, clearly, the trickiest issue we have to deal with. At least, it’s the trickiest issue that we’re willing to deal with. (There should be no references to “Iraq” or “the war” in any part of this campaign, unless in the context of a humorous pun, ala “I’m stuck between Iraq and a hard place!”) The crucial aspect here is reminding Americans that, in general, they aren’t the one’s being tortured, so why are they so worked up about it? The people they see on the news are, essentially, as fictional as the people they see in the movies, and I heard Hostel did decent box office. There have been no successful terrorist attacks on American soil since 9/11, and so logically, that means the torture has been working. (Note: we need a more image-positive term here, like “physical interrogation enhancement.”) Also, anyone who gets tortured deserves it, because they have information we need, or else why would we be torturing them in the first place?

These are just some basic starting points. I’d like teams working on the implementation of each specific concept, as well as some general brainstorming from everyone on the best ways to approach re-aligning the world with the “Captain”’s particular vision. I see great things in the coming months.

Sincerely,
Alistair P. Husingbottoms

Ps. Should you wake up in the night in the next few weeks to find strange men going through your house, my advice is just to ignore them. I assume they’ll leave eventually; and even if they don’t, you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to get used to them.