Wicked Atheist Gays!

Or, you know, the total opposite:

Turning their backs on the isolated religious commune in the rugged Ozarks where many had grown up, a group of members fled with only the clothes on their back, trudging several miles down a gravel road to the nearest phone to call friends or family for help,

A woman in the group soon told a sheriff's deputy horrific stories of how the compound's leaders had molested girls as part of religious ceremonies during which they were told their bodies were being prepared for "service to God."

One of those arrested, pastor George Otis Johnston, 63, called it "angel kisses" when he touched one girl sexually before and after church services, the girl told investigators. Johnston also allegedly told the girl that "he was ordained by God to fulfill her needs as a woman."

You know what goes down nice after some angel kisses? Jesus Juice.

The abuse has been going on since “as far back as the late 1970s,” and, in addition to Pastor Johnston, his nephew, Rev. Raymond Lambert, Lambert’s wife, and her two brothers have been charged.

Upon hearing the news, Congressional Republicans moved immediately for a vote on an amendment banning gay marriage, gay adoption, deliberately childless unions, abortion, birth control, recreational sex, atheism, and science. President Bush promised to sign the bill immediately into law upon its passage, with the addition of a signing statement renaming the country the United States of Jesus.