Winner of the Pointless, Infuriating Twaddle Award

Attention gay men: You all look exactly like this.

I'm really in the wrong profession. Why am I working so hard for my Master's degree when I could simply write bang out some complete, utter horseshit and get paid to do it? Case in point: this totally fucking ridiculous article from the ABC news website, "Gay Stereotypes: Are They True?"

(Hint: If there's a yes/no question in the title, it's a good bet that the answer is "Hell, yes.")

I'm wondering why in the hell they bothered writing, not to mention printing, this nonsense in the first place. I just find it simply preposterous that after decades of fighting for increased acceptance, equality and visibility, there are people that still behave as if gay people stepped off a flying saucer from planet Limpwrist early this morning, and they have to somehow understand this bizarre new species!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this epitome of stupidity is penned by none other than John Stossel, ingoramus par excellence. Apparently, writing this tired, hackneyed flapdoodle was too much of a daunting task for he of the mighty moustache; it took another writer, Gena Binkley, in order to crayon-scribble something this colossally dumb. (All emph. mine)

Sept. 15, 2006:— Gay activists often criticize media coverage of gay pride parades, saying, correctly, that the media focus on the extreme, the more flamboyantly feminine men and very masculine women. But that's not us, they say. Most of us are just like everyone else.

No seriously, you can stop there. You've already stated in your first sentence that you agree; the media focuses too much on sterotypes in the gay community. Therefore, you're not going to spend your entire article reinforcing those same stereotypes, right? Right?

Are gays just like straights? Or is Hollywood's frequent portrayal of gay men as feminine more accurate?

Sigh.

We talked to Carson Kressley and Ted Allen, two of the stars of the hit television show "Queer Eye" about the stereotypes. What, we asked, are the stereotypes about gay men?

Ah, yes, the "Queer Eye" boys. Experts on All Things Queer. The only people that could ever be consulted about LGBT issues, because they're on the teevee! And of course, you've got to talk to Carson, because he's so nelly and silly! Tee-hee! Maybe he'll say something really bitchy!

And, come on Stossel, do you really need to ask for examples of gay male stereotypes? I know your skull is filled with marshmallow pudding, but I'm willing to bet you could come up with a list of at least five.

"It's that you're obsessed with fashion, and that you tan a lot and that you color your hair," they said. But, says Allen, the stereotypes are not always true. "Not all gay men are superstylish. Not all straight men are bad dressers," he said.

What the fuck? Yes, when I think of gay sterotypes, the first that spring immediately to mind have to do with fucking tanning and hair coloration. Way to stray from the gravy train; you wouldn't want anyone to stop thinking about your ridiculous show for five seconds. Why didn't Carson just stand up, spread his arms, and shriek "You're looking at all of them, baby!"?

There is research that suggests gay men do prefer certain professions, like fashion, interior design and hair coloring, and that lesbians are more likely to prefer sports and the military. Researchers say it's because lesbians, on average, are attracted to more masculine occupations, and gay men tend to prefer more feminine occupations.

"Researchers say." Way to cite your sources, Stossel. Let me help you out; you might want to use this formatting in the future:

Stossel, John. Completely Pulled out of My Ass.
New York: Stossel, 2006.

Moving on.

Increasingly gay people are visible in every profession. Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres are high-profile lesbians working in comedy and daytime television. Barney Frank is an openly gay congressman from Massachusetts. And the writers of the show "Will and Grace" made their main gay character, Will Truman, a high-powered attorney.

But the stereotypes do persist. The show's most famous character, Jack McFarland, is flamboyantly feminine.

Of course the stereotypes persist. The reason they persist is that numbskulls like Stossel simply couldn't accept a television show featuring gay characters that didn't pander to sterotypes. Gay characters must fit into the stereotypical norms, and must be on "funny" shows, because otherwise they would be far too threatening to people like Stossel who can't get past the image of the faaaaabulous nancy boy. Imagine a dramatic program, starring a gay man, played by a gay man, who "acted normally" and - and here's the kicker - was openly affectionate with other men and had sex with them.

Right.

And don't try and bullshit me; Will Truman was just as big of a stereotype as Jack, just different stereotypes were in play. "Flamboyantly feminine" isn't the only gay male stereotype out there, but I suppose Stossel's exhaustive list didn't quite cover all of them.

Northwestern University psychology professor Michael Bailey has spent years studying human sexuality. He says sexual orientation is something people are born with, and this orientation makes some gay men more feminine.

"There's no obvious reason why sexual orientation should be associated with how masculine or feminine one is, but it is in our species. And it probably has to do with the causes of sexual orientation and early effects of hormones on the brain," Bailey said.

Bailey did a survey of professional dancers and found half the men were gay. But why? "Because dancing is a feminine occupation," he said.

Would anyone like to take a little trip with me to Northwestern University, and kick "professor" Michael Bailey right in his sexist nutsack? It's, like, fifteen minutes from my house. I'll drive.

Sigh. Moving on.

"People talk about it. It's no big deal, and as a matter of fact, it's almost celebrated if you're gay," said dancer Meredith Rainey. "So what if there are a lot of gay men in dance? I think it's a good thing."

While Rainey is gay, the ballet said most of its male dancers are straight.

"People assume that if you're a male ballet dancer you're gay. And I think it's quite silly because let's think about it. You are working around beautiful women all day that are half naked. It's a great job for straight guys," said Zach Hench, a straight dancer.

Yeah, gay men get into dance because it's "feminine," and straight guys do it for the TITS! It has nothing to do with the fact that, you know, these dancers are artists practicing their craft or anything. It would also be silly to assume that there are more gay men in the arts because they don't want to work in, oh, say, the MSM that happens to be full of ignorant, bigoted douchebags like John Stossel.

Can someone please check my blood pressure? I think I need to check my blood pressure.

One problem with stereotyping is that there are so many exceptions. The owners of the Prada Grusel hair salon in New York City are straight but people think they're gay.

"I feel like I've been very much stereotyped by clients, by industry people, all the time," said William Grusel, one of the owners.

Of course. Because of ignorant, bigoted douchebags like John Stossel.

Moving on.

Another stereotype is that gay people speak differently than straight people. That's often true, said Bailey.

"Gay men absolutely talk differently, on average. You can tell far better than chance who's a gay man from just listening to him say four sentences," Bailey said.

No, seriously, I will drive. I won't even make you guys pay for gas. I'm just asking that you wear really heavy shoes and kick hard.

With Bailey's help, "20/20" ran a test in 2004 to see if people could tell who was gay and who was straight. Five gay and five straight men spent an hour mingling with dozens of people. Could the testers determine who was gay and who was straight?

People were accurate 60 percent of the time, which is better than chance. But there were plenty of wrong guesses, too, showing that the stereotypes can be way off. The man who most people thought was straight was actually gay.

There! We have proven beyond doubt that stereotypes can be way off, except in the case where they are not way off, which is what we were really trying to prove in the first place! It's SCIENCE!

Many people do think that gay men are more promiscuous than straight men, and in fact, Bailey said, gay men do have more sex partners. But, he said, it's because men, in general, want lots of partners and women, in general, do not. Women limit the amount of sex that straight men have.

"I think that the typical straight man would have as many sex partners as the typical gay man if he could," Bailey said.

So, in other words, there is absolutely no difference between gay and straight men, it's just that straight guys can't fuck anything that moves, because women have them by the balls! Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em, am I right guys? And how about that airline food?

Oh, and by the way, your "typical gay man" has a million, billion sex partners. Without exception.

Oh, and by the way, stating that women hate sex and never, ever want to screw around is not a stereotype at all.

Urge to kill... rising...

But, we asked Bailey, isn't stereotyping harmful?

Ah, here we go. Now is the chance for "professor" Bailey to redeem himself to me. Perhaps he'll say that stereotyping is an unfair and dangerous way to marginalize and demean an entire group of human beings? Perhaps he'll state some statistics showing how stereotypes lead to hate crimes? Maybe he can state how stereotypes can span different groups, like gay men and women, harming all involved?

"Denying stereotypes means that people have to disbelieve what is right there in front of their eyes. That can't be a good thing," Bailey said. "Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with being a feminine man or a masculine woman."

Oh.

Stereotypes are only harmful when people have to challenge their beliefs and dispel stereotypes.

I see.

But, of course, stereotypes can lead to ridicule and to violence. People have long mocked gay people, even attacked them, for being different. While there may be some differences between gays and straights, there are lots of similarities.

With that inane, fluffball note, these two collective heads of knuckle end their exhaustive report on gay stereotypes, managing to reinforce the worst, most ancient ones, while not even answering their own question. I'm frankly amazed they bothered to mention lesbians at all.

This seriously has to be one of the worst columns I have ever read. Not only is it sloppily written, poorly researched, and incredibly offensive, it ends with a tacked-on "sterotypes are bad, mmmkay" sort-of "message," which reads like a halfassed book report written by a third grader that skimmed the Cliffs Notes.

"What Charles Dickens was showing in his book, A Tale of Two Cities, was that while these two cities may have had differences, there were also lots of similarities."

ABC should be embarrassed that this juvenile prating ever made it on to their "news" page. This is the kind of ignorant, pigheaded drivel that one would expect to be reading right after the Stonewall riots. This monkeys-flinging-poo writing does absolutely nothing to educate, inform or enrich, and any editor that wasn't a comple imbecile should have rightfully pitched it in the trash, smacked Stossel, and sent him to his room to think about what he had done. Pathetic.

Oh, fuck Carson Kressley, too.

UPDATE: Sarah in Chicago points to this rather illuminating information about "professor"Michael Bailey, who is no longer at Northwestern University, by the way. Gee, another thing Stossel got completely fucking wrong.

(You think you're a man, but you're only a cross-post...)