Boy, those Republicans sure know how to write sex books!

First it was Bill O'Reilly's erotic thriller Those Who Trespass, with bosom-heavers like: "Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."

Then it was Scooter Libby's scatological page-turner The Apprentice, with passages to trigger the gag reflex like: "At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest."

(Actually, they weren't even first and second, but part of a long tradition that includes William Safire—“[She] finally came to him in the bed and shouted ‘Arragghrrorwr!’ in his ear, bit his neck, plunged her head between his legs and devoured him”—William F. Buckley—“I’d rather do this with you than play cards”—G. Gordon Liddy—“T’sa Li froze, her lips still enclosing Rand’s glans...”—and John Ehrlichman—“It felt like a little tongue”—among others, but anyhow...)

Now it's conservative Republican Texas state candidate Susan Combs, currently the Texas Agriculture Commissioner, whose romance novel A Perfect Match has been excerpted by the Associated Press:

Her shoes had fallen off enroute to the bedroom.

"At last," he said, his mouth moving over her.

The heat in the room intensified as Ross let his hands stroke the body of the woman he loved. Emily was panting, her eyes glazed ...

"I can't believe you made me wait three weeks," she got out as he thrust gently against her.

"It was necessary," he mumbled between kisses. "To make me smart enough to realize I deserved you."

"You're just a lucky guy," she said and he could feel her mouth and hands tormenting him, as he struggled for control.

"I know." Then he took them over the top.

Blurgh.

Says Arlen, who gets the hat tip, "That’s pretty embarrassing. What’s perhaps more embarrassing is that the AP found it important enough to publish it." Ha. Totally.

Which is worse—idiot Republicans or the useless media? We ask. You decide.