J is for Just Shoot Me

But P is for popcorn:

Sometimes when my friends come over to watch a DVD, I'll make popcorn in a pan.

They're stunned. They say things like, "You can make popcorn that's not from the microwave?"

After they get over the initial shock, they're thrilled. They start telling others, "I love Kelly's popcorn. She makes it on the stove."

Following is a recipe for how to make your own popcorn on the stove—like, wow! I can’t wait until Kelly introduces her friends to the cool new discovery she calls fire.

Reading the swill (of which this is a classic example) produced for the under-30 set, which is evidently presumed to be comprised mainly of mental midgets who had no idea the world existed before 1980, is unbearably painful. Useless pieces like this one, in which hipsters are meant to discover fire backwards from microwaves, are clogging the internets, and I want to know who the hell is reading them with even the most infinitesimal level of appreciation. For crying out loud, stovetop popcorn cookers are still being sold! Does anyone enjoy being imagined so resolutely daft it’s a wonder they can function?

Waaah? Popcorn on the stove? Dude, what’s next—cars you can drive to the moon?!

Yeesh. I know stuff like this has always existed in various forms, but I swear the Series of Tubes has made it multiply like an evil, fast-replicating creature from a 1960's horror movie that's trying to suck out my very soul.

In any case, your very own recipe for popcorn will come in really useful after you’ve read M is for Movie, which offers the fantabulous idea of—wait for it—watching a movie at home! It also provides a handy list of 10 random films, in case your brain is so addled from the consumption of mass advertising and bong fumes that you don’t know how to make a decision anymore.