"I Kick Ass For the Lord!" Part 3: The Ass-Kicketh Cometh

I posted about the "Left Behind" Video game a couple of times; and it's cropped up in the news again. Featuring the retailer you love to hate: Wal-Mart!

(By the way, this is a really weird story. Every time the game pops up in the news, it seems like it's the first time everyone's heard about it, even though the story has been out there for almost a year. I can only assume the game's creators have been using crazy purple knockout gas on everyone in the country until they managed to get this crap on the shelves.)

Convert... or DIE!!

Liberal and progressive Christian groups say a new computer game in which players must either convert or kill non-Christians is the wrong gift to give this holiday season and that Wal-Mart, a major video game retailer, should yank it off its shelves.

The Campaign to Defend the Constitution and the Christian Alliance for Progress, two online political groups, plan to demand today that Wal-Mart dump Left Behind: Eternal Forces, a PC game inspired by a series of Christian novels that are hugely popular, especially with teens.

The series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins is based on their interpretation of the Bible's Book of Revelation and takes place after the Rapture, when Jesus has taken his people to heaven and left nonbelievers behind to face the Antichrist.

The article forgets to mention that the books suck. I like how it's only "Liberal and Progressive" Christian groups that apparently have a problem with this game. Yeah.

Get this:

Left Behind Games' president, Jeffrey Frichner, says the game actually is pacifist because players lose "spirit points" every time they gun down nonbelievers rather than convert them. They can earn spirit points again by having their character pray.

HAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Frichner, are you familiar with the theatrical term, "If the gun's on the wall, you gotta use it?" And what a "Christian" message to teach... no matter how many people you kill, a quick prayer will wash your soul squeaky clean!

"You are fighting a defensive battle in the game," Frichner, whose previous company produced Bible software, said of combatting the Antichrist. "You are a sort of a freedom fighter."

You are sort of a buttfor.

A Wal-Mart spokeswoman said the retailer has no plans to pull Left Behind: Eternal Forces from any of the 200 of Wal-Mart's 3,800 stores that offer the game, including just seven in California. The nearest are in Chico and Redding.

"We look at the community to see where it will sell," said Tara Raddohl. "We have customers who are buying it and really haven't received a lot of complaints about it from our customers at this time."

Translation: I'll take it off the shelf as soon as I stop rolling around on this enormous pile of money.

"It's an incredibly violent video game," said Stevens. "Sure, there is no blood. (The dead just fade off the screen.) But you are mowing down your enemy with a gun. It pushes a message of religious intolerance. You can either play for the 'good side' by trying to convert nonbelievers to your side or join the Antichrist."

The Rev. Tim Simpson, a Jacksonville, Fla., Presbyterian minister and president of the Christian Alliance for Progress, added: "So, under the Christmas tree this year for little Johnny is this allegedly Christian video game teaching Johnny to hate and kill?"

Well, at least it will be healthier for little Johnny than something wicked and evil like... *gasp*... Harry Potter!

Players can choose to join the Antichrist's team, but of course they can never win on Carpathia's side. The enemy team includes fictional rock stars and folks with Muslim-sounding names, while the righteous include gospel singers, missionaries, healers and medics. Every character comes with a life story.

When asked about the Arab and Muslim-sounding names, Frichner said the game does not endorse prejudice. But "Muslims are not believers in Jesus Christ" -- and thus can't be on Christ's side in the game.

"That is so obvious," he said.

Yeah... I can think of something else that's pretty fucking obvious.

But Plugged In, a publication of the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family, gave the game a "thumbs-up." The reviewer called it "the kind of game that Mom and Dad can actually play with Junior -- and use to raise some interesting questions along the way."

"Mommy? What would be better to blow away the Muslims? The grenade? Or the sawed-off shotgun?"

"Oh, go for something smaller, Junior. Use your automatic and just shoot a hole in his stomach. That's the slowest and most painful way to make a heathen die."

And they'll know that we are Christians by our love, by our love!

(Forgive me, Father, for I have cross-posted.)