You Have GOT to be Kidding Me

Why does this article, written by an anonymous woman "whose mother helps her find dates on Match.com," even exist?! The only thing I can figure is that the WaPo is conspiring to make my bloody head explode once and for fucking all.

Jennifer Aniston. Christie Brinkley. Sheryl Crow. Teri Hatcher. Either dumped or cheated on in a most humiliating and public way.

Every woman in the dating world has thought, "If it can happen to her, it can happen to me." While he's snoring away, we think quietly at night about what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen to us.

Um, no. I haven't ever thought that. And I really should have just stopped reading this pile of honking horseshit that the WaPo tried to pass off as an "essay" right bloody there, but I didn't, because I am evidently a glutton for heaping mounds of excruciating punishment.

We respond by trying to make our stomachs flatter, our boobs bigger, our faces prettier, and our clothes tighter and more revealing. We do everything possible to please our man. You prefer French cooking? Mais oui, mon cher! You want my hair long? No problem, I'll get a hair extension. Spending part of your vacation with buddies? Go have a good time. You don't want to be with my family on Christmas? I'll see you on New Year's Eve. Is that OK or would you prefer some other time? Do you like my mani-pedi'd, spray on tanned, liposuctioned, Pilates body? Can't commit? Oh, that's right. You're just not that into me. Or her. Or her. Or her.

The only thing worse than this insecure, mindless automaton suggesting that every woman in the world is as equally void of character and independence as she apparently is, is blaming this state of affairs on "Match.com and other online dating services," which, according to her, "have given men access to thousands and thousands of women in every city who look just as great in jeans and a little black dress (the requirement in every man's profile), a smorgasbord of women each one more delicious to devour than the next."

Yet, then, almost instantly, she instead redirects the blame onto women, and provides a list of "fairly simple but self-respecting dating principles for women." This list includes such gems as "Be honest about your age and size"—not because lying is, ya know, doesn't lay the best groundwork for a trusting relationship, but because "you're simply wasting his time and yours if you lie"—and "Keep in shape and look your best but don't dress too provocatively." Okay, Meddling Granny—I'll keep that in mind.

More good advice from Anonymous Man-Seeking Missle:

If you're a giving person, give. If you're into cooking, cook. If you're busy, stay busy. If you're not into sports, don't fake it. And watch your alcohol intake.

…If you don't receive flowers by the fourth date, dump him. Poor hygiene, bad manners, or sloppy dress are also grounds for dismissal.

…Absolutely allow him to chase YOU.

Etc. etc. etc. Constantly vacillating between the sublimation of one's preferences, traits, and desires rooted in a seemingly intractable self-hatred, and a knee-jerk, condemnatory judgmentalness rooted in a deep distrust of men being masked by borderline hatred. Between the self-loathing and the man-loathing, is it any wonder this gal hasn't found a love connection? Yeesh.

It would be funny if only it weren't so pathetic.

Don't reveal too much, and certainly never ever discuss past relationships. Men love a mystery. Again, do not bring up your exes, reveal your dark secrets, constantly complain, or interrupt - simple stuff but amazingly ignored by women and men.

This sad recommendation ultimately served to remind me of one of my favorite scenes from The Office (US), which absolutely breaks my heart every time I watch it. Jim asks Pam what her fiancée Roy thinks about something that's bothering her.

Pam: "I don't know—I try not to bother him with stuff like that."

Jim: "You mean stuff like your thoughts and feelings?"

Pam: "Yeah."