What did the Maryland delegate say to the trucker?

I can clearly see your nuts. And I don't like it!

As the General Assembly debates global warming and the death penalty, [Republican delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr.] has something else on his mind: the outsized plastic testicles that truckers dangle from the trailer hitches of their pickups.

To some truckers, they are manly expressions of rural chic. But Myers, who says his Western Maryland district is brimming with giant fakes on the roadways, calls them vulgar and immoral—and filed legislation this week to outlaw them.

"People are making a joke out of it," Myers said yesterday. "But I think it's a pretty serious problem. You have body parts hanging from the hitches of cars. We've crossed a line."

His bill would prohibit motorists from displaying anything resembling or depicting "anatomically correct" or "less than completely and opaquely covered" human or animal genitals, human buttocks or female breasts. The offense would carry a penalty.

The penalty? Six hours with LeRoy Myers, Jr.

Hours One and Two: Good clean fun watching slideshows of Myers family vacations past, including excursions to Lollipop Land and the Pantaloons Museum.

Hour Three: Quiet Bible study.

Hours Four through Six: Good clean fun going around town disguising displayed novelty testicles with happy Magic Marker messages.

The truck ornament industry is not amused. "It's not a perverted sexual thing at all," said David Ham, founder of Your Nutz, a San Diego-based business that sells more than 200 kinds of fake testicles. "It's a sense of humor. This lawmaker is looking out for two or three old women in tennis shoes. He's got too much time on his hands."

First of all, I had no idea there were over 200 kinds of fake testicles, or that fake testicles were in such high demand that there was a need for over 200 kinds of testicles. Interesting.

Secondly, how did old women in tennis shoes get dragged into this?! All the old women in tennis shoes I know would find this entire thing hilarious. Once again, women are getting the bad rap because some cranky old geezer's got his man-panties in a twist. Come on, David Ham, founder of Your Nutz—give the gals a break!

Finally, if this bill passes (it won't), I say all of us outfit our cars with a dozen pairs of fake balls, boobs, or buttocks—or a combination of all three; whatever your fancy!—and drive just to the Maryland border, where we'll park and blare our car horns and yell, "Nyah nyah—you can't touch me, cuz I'm outside your staaaaaaaaate!"