Thank you, Brian. Laura and I are happy to be here. I'd like to thank the Radio and TV Correspondents Association for providing dinner tonight, and I'd like to thank Senator Webb for providing security. [laughter & applause] I'm glad to see everyone here is enjoying themselves; don't think I haven't noticed all the drinking that's been going on. In my State of the Union address, I said we needed to increase the use of ethanol. [laughter] Well, where should I start? A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. [laughter & applause] Ahh, those were the good old days. [laughter & applause] Sorry the vice president couldn't be here. He's had a rough few weeks. To be honest, his feelings are kinda hurt. He said he was going on vacation to Afghanistan where people like him. [laughter] You in the press certainly have had a lot to report lately. Take the current controversy—I have to admit, we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've botched it when people sympathize with lawyers. [laughter & applause] Speaking of subpoenas, it's good to see Speaker Pelosi tonight, heh heh heh heh. [laughter & applause] Now some have wondered how the two of us would get along—some say she's bossy, she's opinionated, she's not to be crossed. Hey, I get along with my mother! [laughter & wooos] But between the Congress and the press, there is a lot of scrutiny in this job. Not a day goes by that I don't get scrutineered one way or the other. [laughter & applause] The press is a lot tougher the second term. It's reached the point I sometimes call on Helen Thomas just to hear a friendly voice. [laughter] No matter how tough it gets, however, I have no intention of becoming a lame duck president. Unless, of course, Cheney accidentally shoots me in the leg. [laughter & applause] Hey, I have 664 days left in the White House. So technically I'm a temporary guest worker. [laughter & applause] Now I'm considering what's next. President Clinton, of course, wrote a very successful presidential memoirs with 10,000 pages or sumpin'. [laughter] I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine—y'know, maybe a pop-up book? [laughter & applause] Consider a number of titles—which do you like? How Dubya Got His Groove Back? [laughter] Who Moved My Presidency? Heh heh. [laughter] Or Tuesdays with Cheney? [laughter] By the way, I'm not sure whether or not Senator Obama is here. Last I heard, he was not coming to the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner—not enough press. [laughter and woos and applause] People magazine recently had a photo of the Senator, there on the beach in Hawaii, his sleek, hairless pecs glistening in the surf. [laughter] Shows how biased the press is. Ya ever seen a shot of, uh, like that of Denny Hastert? [laughter]
Stand-Up President
Unfortunately, I mean stand-up as in "comedian," not as in "full o' integrity." But I hardly have to tell you that, do I, Shakers? Anyway, here's Preznit Haha himself, doing his schtick at last night's Correspondents' Dinner. From mom jokes to lawyer jokes, this cat's got it all. (I transcribed the video, so the transcript is below for anyone who can't view or hear it.)
Thank you, Brian. Laura and I are happy to be here. I'd like to thank the Radio and TV Correspondents Association for providing dinner tonight, and I'd like to thank Senator Webb for providing security. [laughter & applause] I'm glad to see everyone here is enjoying themselves; don't think I haven't noticed all the drinking that's been going on. In my State of the Union address, I said we needed to increase the use of ethanol. [laughter] Well, where should I start? A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. [laughter & applause] Ahh, those were the good old days. [laughter & applause] Sorry the vice president couldn't be here. He's had a rough few weeks. To be honest, his feelings are kinda hurt. He said he was going on vacation to Afghanistan where people like him. [laughter] You in the press certainly have had a lot to report lately. Take the current controversy—I have to admit, we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've botched it when people sympathize with lawyers. [laughter & applause] Speaking of subpoenas, it's good to see Speaker Pelosi tonight, heh heh heh heh. [laughter & applause] Now some have wondered how the two of us would get along—some say she's bossy, she's opinionated, she's not to be crossed. Hey, I get along with my mother! [laughter & wooos] But between the Congress and the press, there is a lot of scrutiny in this job. Not a day goes by that I don't get scrutineered one way or the other. [laughter & applause] The press is a lot tougher the second term. It's reached the point I sometimes call on Helen Thomas just to hear a friendly voice. [laughter] No matter how tough it gets, however, I have no intention of becoming a lame duck president. Unless, of course, Cheney accidentally shoots me in the leg. [laughter & applause] Hey, I have 664 days left in the White House. So technically I'm a temporary guest worker. [laughter & applause] Now I'm considering what's next. President Clinton, of course, wrote a very successful presidential memoirs with 10,000 pages or sumpin'. [laughter] I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine—y'know, maybe a pop-up book? [laughter & applause] Consider a number of titles—which do you like? How Dubya Got His Groove Back? [laughter] Who Moved My Presidency? Heh heh. [laughter] Or Tuesdays with Cheney? [laughter] By the way, I'm not sure whether or not Senator Obama is here. Last I heard, he was not coming to the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner—not enough press. [laughter and woos and applause] People magazine recently had a photo of the Senator, there on the beach in Hawaii, his sleek, hairless pecs glistening in the surf. [laughter] Shows how biased the press is. Ya ever seen a shot of, uh, like that of Denny Hastert? [laughter]
Thank you, Brian. Laura and I are happy to be here. I'd like to thank the Radio and TV Correspondents Association for providing dinner tonight, and I'd like to thank Senator Webb for providing security. [laughter & applause] I'm glad to see everyone here is enjoying themselves; don't think I haven't noticed all the drinking that's been going on. In my State of the Union address, I said we needed to increase the use of ethanol. [laughter] Well, where should I start? A year ago, my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. [laughter & applause] Ahh, those were the good old days. [laughter & applause] Sorry the vice president couldn't be here. He's had a rough few weeks. To be honest, his feelings are kinda hurt. He said he was going on vacation to Afghanistan where people like him. [laughter] You in the press certainly have had a lot to report lately. Take the current controversy—I have to admit, we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've botched it when people sympathize with lawyers. [laughter & applause] Speaking of subpoenas, it's good to see Speaker Pelosi tonight, heh heh heh heh. [laughter & applause] Now some have wondered how the two of us would get along—some say she's bossy, she's opinionated, she's not to be crossed. Hey, I get along with my mother! [laughter & wooos] But between the Congress and the press, there is a lot of scrutiny in this job. Not a day goes by that I don't get scrutineered one way or the other. [laughter & applause] The press is a lot tougher the second term. It's reached the point I sometimes call on Helen Thomas just to hear a friendly voice. [laughter] No matter how tough it gets, however, I have no intention of becoming a lame duck president. Unless, of course, Cheney accidentally shoots me in the leg. [laughter & applause] Hey, I have 664 days left in the White House. So technically I'm a temporary guest worker. [laughter & applause] Now I'm considering what's next. President Clinton, of course, wrote a very successful presidential memoirs with 10,000 pages or sumpin'. [laughter] I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine—y'know, maybe a pop-up book? [laughter & applause] Consider a number of titles—which do you like? How Dubya Got His Groove Back? [laughter] Who Moved My Presidency? Heh heh. [laughter] Or Tuesdays with Cheney? [laughter] By the way, I'm not sure whether or not Senator Obama is here. Last I heard, he was not coming to the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner—not enough press. [laughter and woos and applause] People magazine recently had a photo of the Senator, there on the beach in Hawaii, his sleek, hairless pecs glistening in the surf. [laughter] Shows how biased the press is. Ya ever seen a shot of, uh, like that of Denny Hastert? [laughter]
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