Oh, You Lucky People

As if the Republican candidates didn't have enough trouble with lackluster fund raising and a high unfavorable rating from their own kind ("none of the above" was leading in the polls among Republican voters in July), Fred Thompson has emerged as the Godot-style candidate. First he was going to announce on the Fourth of July, then in August. Now it looks like it will be September (that's September 2007, we presume, but who really knows), and he's on his third campaign manager without even having a campaign yet.

But wait! Don't despair! There's a savior on the horizon in the person of Alan Keyes, who is sure that there's a groundswell of support for him to be drafted into the GOP primary race. Well, according to him, that is.

This won't be the first try for Mr. Keyes. He ran in 1996 and 2000, causing quite a stir as the candidate from the far-right wingnut side of the GOP with his theocratic pronouncements and booming voice. His last attempt at running for office was in 2004 when he basically invited himself to run for the Senate in Illinois against Barack Obama when the previous candidate was forced out of the race when the details of his divorce from Jeri (Seven of Nine) Ryan were made public. Mr. Keyes lost in a landslide, and showing his nastier side, he refused to congratulate Mr. Obama, saying "I'm supposed to make a call that represents the congratulations toward the triumph of that which I believe ultimately stands for ... a culture evil enough to destroy the very soul and heart of my country? I can't do this. And I will not make a false gesture." He's also the one who said that Mary Cheney, the daughter of the Vice President, is a "selfish hedonist" by the virtue of being a lesbian. What Mr. Keyes lacks in tact he makes up for in pure entertainment value.

And don't forget that Newt Gingrich is waiting in the wings until he is summoned forth to humbly accept the nomination when the Republicans finally come to their senses and realize that he is the only man who can rescue them from the wilderness. Yes, this thrice-married, admitted adulterer who -- according to him -- smote the ground and brought forth the Contract With America and singlehandedly engineered the Republican takeover of the Congress and Senate in 1994 and became Speaker of the House; who all by himself shut down the government in 1995 over a hissy-fit about his seat on Air Force One; who brought Bill Clinton to his knees (*snort*) by impeaching him for a blow job and told his colleagues never to say a sentence with the name of Bill or Hillary Clinton without using the word "criminal" in it; who bungled the 1998 mid-terms elections so badly that he lost both his Speakership and was forced to resign his House seat.... Yes, America, this pompous ass is waiting for us to beg him to run. Can you believe our great good fortune?

And oh, do we want him to run, both him and Alan Keyes. They're just what the GOP needs; a couple of more right-wing nut jobs. The Republican field is so predictably dull that the only entertainment they provide with any regularity is when they let Rep. Ron Paul, their current gadfly and glorious soundbite provider, have his say. And he spoils it by actually making sense on some of his points, as compared to the theocratic babblings of Sen. Sam Brownback, the xenophobic Eichmann-channeling rumblings of Rep. Tom Tancredo, and the diet tips from Gov. Mike Huckabee. So bring it on, Newt and Alan, and break out the popcorn.

Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.