The Holy Trinity of the Church of the Fucktologists

[Fucktology background here.]

Quickie paraphrase/transcript below. Thanks to Petulant for the video.
Jon Stewart asks Stephen Colbert why he has a gas-powered leaf-blower when it's supposed to be the green Emmys, and SC says it runs on alternative fuel—Al Gore's tears, which are highly flammable and plentiful enough to run his power tools because Al Gore "is a big crybaby, Jon. We're so lucky he's not our president."

Then SC accuses JS of traveling in a private jet sandwich, which JS says he has to do because he likes "to meander around three different cabins." Then JS suggests that maybe even green awards shows are a waste of resources, and SC admonishes him: "If entertainers stopped publicly congratulating each other, then the Earth wins!"

JS then asks what if winners were notified by phone or email or wev, and SC exclaims, "Like common MacArthur Genius Grant winners or Nobel Prize recipients?! No, no—not on my watch, Jon. As long as Stephen T. Colbert is alive—and eligible for an Emmy—comedic and dramatic actors will gather to applaud each other yearly, be it by SUV or speedboat or stacked private jet." At which point, JS resolves to purchase a carbon credit after the show "that, when redeemed, will allow some underage Peruvian boys to partially re-sod the Andes."

Then the nominees were read (and Colbert deliberately mispronounces Steve Carell's name) and Ricky Gervais was announced as the winner. After realizing he's not there, JS says: "Ah. Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell."

The celebration thusly ensued.