The Best Column Maureen Dowd Has Ever Written

Because she let Stephen Colbert write it:

Surprised to see my byline here, aren't you? I would be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don't. So I'll just have to take your word that this was published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written word, and if you disagree :(

I'd like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging me to write her column today. As I type this, she's watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care of one other bit of business:

Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn't have to think about. It's all George Bush's fault, the vice president is Satan, and God is gay.

There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich's column too.

He gets off a few really superb lines, and although "In my opinion 'Law & Order' never sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler" is probably my favorite, "I share Americans' nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn't yet fled to Guangdong" is a close second.