Why Don't Ya Just Go Die, Fatty?

by Shaker C

Diana Golobay, a print journalism junior and a columnist for the University of Texas at Arlington's school paper, The Shorthorn, doesn't think fat girls should be using elevators as if they are normal people and all, especially when a real normal person is tardy for class. (Emphasis mine.)

The solution to the crowded elevator predicament often has nothing to do with the newcomer trying to catch a lift. Instead, it has everything to do with a few questionable characters already on board: the morbidly obese girl in the back, the guy hauling a tuba conspicuously under one arm and whoever that is who smells like sweaty feet and ammonia.

It is the responsibility of all— but particularly of these three — to understand and practice elevator etiquette.

In times of heavy elevator traffic, some students in a hurry to class can’t escape a brief and unpleasant appointment with the stairwell. Those most eligible for a workout include anyone bound for the lower floors, people who fear elevators spontaneously plummeting to the basement and our three squatters.

The overweight girl could use the cardiovascular exercise of climbing a few flights to get to class.

After all, fat people…wait, wait…no, fat women should just know that if their very existence is in the way of tardy "pretty" people, they should just cease doing that—at least while in an elevator. They can continue to exist in the stairwell, but not where she might have to share space with them.

At least it's not just fat women with whom Ms. Golobay takes umbrage. Tuba players, smelly people, and folks who actually do some schoolwork at the university and so have large backpacks all get in her crosshairs.

It seems anyone who would have the unmitigated gall to get in her way and not immediately understand that the world really does revolve around her are in for a taste of her ire. Yet the solution to the entire issue is right in the very first two statements of her article.

The common student with a 9 a.m. class on the fourth floor of the Fine Arts Building often faces the same dilemma every morning.

Parking was atrocious, and the student is running late to class. The professor took roll two minutes ago, and the student knows his mild tardiness might be overlooked if he makes the next elevator ride.

If this student faces the "same dilemma every morning" and it's a university—parking is always atrocious—said student really ought to set his/her alarm 30 minutes earlier and…now, this might be a shocking idea but bear with me…get to class on time. Maybe even early! I know, I know, that's just crazy talk.