Dog Gone

Okay, it was bad enough when, via some tragic misfire of cultural osmosis, I became vaguely cognizant of the existence of this skeevy mess, but now Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman—a subject deserving of my long-abandoned (and soon-to-be-resurrected) "I'm Mad at You Just Because I Know Who You Are" Series, if ever there was one—has wormed his way into the front of my consciousness, by, surprise!, behaving in a manner as loathsome as his noxious pelt.

First, the National Enquirer reported that it had "obtained tapes of two revolting phone conversations in which Duane 'Dog' Chapman unleashes a filthy bigoted attack, littered with the N-word and other disgusting racial insults. The star of the A&E reality show Dog, The Bounty Hunter directed his racist hatred at his son Tucker's girlfriend Monique Shinnery, who is black."

They also posted audio of the call (to which you can listen here), which, hilariously, is about Dog's concern that he'd be ruined if "America" found out he uses the N-word. D'oh!

A&E immediately suspended production on his series, "pending an investigation," and now "Dog" has apologized. Get your Celebrity Apology Bingo cards ready, Shakers!

In a statement, the 54-year-old Chapman said he has "utmost respect and aloha for black people who have suffered so much due to racial discrimination and acts of hatred."

"I did not mean to add yet another slap in the face to an entire race of people who have brought so many gifts to this world," he said. "I am ashamed of myself and I pledge to do whatever I can to repair this damage I have caused."

Chapman said, "My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a private phone conversation."

Chapman said the clip was completely taken out of context.

"I was disappointed in his choice of a friend, not due to her race, but her character," he said. "However, I should have never used that term."

Chapman said he is meeting with his spiritual adviser, Rev. Tim Storey, who is black, and hope to meet with other black leaders, "so they can see who I really am and teach me the right thing to do to make things right, again."

"I know that all of my fans are deeply disappointed in me, as well, as I have tried to be a model for doing the right thing," he said. "I did not do the right thing this time, and hope you will forgive me."

Let's see—he's not really a racist but was just speaking in anger, the phone conversation was private and taken out of context, he's turning to Jesus, and he wants black people to help set him straight. Shit! If only he'd blamed booze or drugs, I woulda had Bingo!

No word yet from A&E whether this heartfelt apology, for doing something he identified even as he did it as so totally unacceptable that it would ruin his career, will keep the star of their #1 show on the air.

Anyone want to make a wager…?