MTV Star Heads to the Slammer

Meanwhile, in other PseudoCelebrity Douchebag Why-the-Fuck-Do-I-Know-Who-You-Are News, 51-year-old Vincent Margera aka Don Vito, the uncle of Jackasser Bam Margera on whose show Viva La Bam Don Vito became "famous," has been found guilty of two counts of sexual assault on a child for groping the breasts of two girls, ages 12 and 14, during a promotional appearance at a mall.

When two female police officers arrived to arrest him after parents complained, Margera thought he was being "punked" and called the police officers "psycho lesbian bitches." And he pretty much never found the plot again after that, requiring two trips to the emergency room while in custody for a phantom broken arm and a phantom heart attack, breaking the conditions of his bond (for which he now faces 12 separate charges), and finally having a total breakdown when the guilty verdict was read in court. He collapsed to the floor in a sobbing, swearing heap as the first verdict was read, taking his defense attorney Pamela Mackey down with him and screaming: "Jesus! I can't spend the rest of my fucking life in jail! Just fucking kill me now!" When four deputies rushed to him "as he writhed on the floor," he began to wail: "I can't stand up! My legs! My legs! I can't move!"

The second verdict "triggered another episode of wailing with Margera still on the floor," and he began to shout once again: "I didn't fucking do nothing! You can rot in fucking hell!" and "I can't move! I can't move! I can't get up! My legs are broke! Help me! Help me!"

Eventually, four deputies dragged the sobbing Margera out of the courtroom in handcuffs.

Once he was gone, the only evidence of the pandemonium was a miniature Hershey's candy bar on the floor where Margera landed.

Oh dear.


Only the mini remained.
Incredibly, Don Vito's defense attorney "contended that her client may have been obnoxious and vulgar, but he was acting according to the character that his fans loved and expected to see." Really? I fucking doubt it. Even as cynical as I am about the appallingly generous margins of acceptable sexual aggression in our society, I don't remotely believe that the general audience of Viva La Bam loves Don Vito because he's a grody old boob-grabbing pedo and wants to see him fondling young girls at a skatepark.

Don Vito faces between two and six years for the two incidents, although "that sentence could be extended for up to life, if Margera fails to participate in sex offender programs while behind bars."

Have fun in the clink, creep.