And Where Else Was Clinton?

Nowhere near Vince Foster when he died!

Thank GOD the truth has finally been revealed! Way to go with the breaking news, WSJ! This is almost as big a bombshell as the whole Michael Stipe is gay thing!

Seriously, I don't even have words. This is unbefuckingLIEVable, y'all. It is 2008, nearly a whole decade into the 21st century, and the media is abuzz with "news" of VINCE FOSTER AND MONICA LEWINSKY.

That "news" being, of course: HEY, REMEMBER VINCE FOSTER AND MONICA LEWINSKY? Just checking.

I haven't read all the coverage of these "stories," seeing as how there is SO FREAKIN' MUCH OF IT, but I think my favorite line comes from Calvin Woodward at the HuffPo:

It's unlikely she would be surprised at this late date to learn that the president was cheating on her while she was home in the White House. But the release of the documents reminds voters anew about Bill Clinton's affair and the impeachment proceedings that brought Washington to a halt for a year.

Gee, ya think it's unlikely she'd be surprised at this late date? It's unlikely my senile 16-year-old dog would be surprised. But thanks ever so for explaining what makes this newsworthy: the documents "remind voters anew" about all that unsavory business that went on during Bill Clinton's presidency! It's the documents! The documents that prove, shockingly... Hillary Clinton was First Lady for a while.

I really do appreciate that clarification, Calvin Woodward. 'Cause here I was thinking it was a bunch of fucking sleazebag journalists turning this stuff into headlines again on the fifth anniversary of the war. Good to know the media's not actually that repugnant. It's not them reminding us -- it's Hillary's datebook! Journalists don't make the news, man! They just respond to stunning developments like this!

On the plus side, there is one thing keeping me from upchucking my breakfast right now. (Well, two, if you count the fact that I haven't had breakfast.) And that's the thought that this is the best they've fucking got. It's 2008, Hillary Clinton is running a serious race for the Democratic presidential nomination, and this is the best they've fucking got to attack her with: Vince Foster and Monica Lewinsky.

Anybody remember this post Liss wrote back in January? Where she said this:

I've noted a few times previously that one of Clinton's biggest positives as a candidate is that she's been vetted from here to Planet Unicorn and back again; there aint' nuttin' new under the sun that the rightwing and/or the national media can dig up on her at this point. It's just going to be the same old shit over and over ad infinitum, and, frankly, I'm not sure how much more mileage they're going to get out of ancient conspiracy theories about having Vince Foster killed. "Hillary's a girl and probably has cooties" is about the best they've got—and, as we've now seen, that only stands to help her.

Yeah. Meanwhile, we're just starting to find out what fresh hells they have prepared for Obama. And meanwhile, he's probably getting the nomination.

But hey, we all know that if Obama gets eaten alive in the general, it'll be because Clinton destroyed the party by refusing to bow out when she still had a perfectly legal shot at the nomination and, you know, a 16-point lead going into the next primary. It sure won't be because we chose a candidate about whom little was known, instead of one who has, as Liss memorably put it, "been given a sustained colonoscopy by the press corps for 15 years." Vetted, schmetted. Just think of all the other documents out there just waiting to remind people of things!

Come to think of it, it's a good thing I haven't eaten breakfast yet.