Assvertising

[Part 21 in an ongoing series: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty.]

I'm honestly not even sure what to say about this commercial. It's another one from Burger King, who's a repeat offender in the Assvertising series and regularly creeps me out with their plastic-faced mascot/stalker:


This latest spot doesn't feature "the King," which is the best thing I can say about it. To describe it as sexist seems to miss the point; when Mr. Shakes and I first saw it the other night, I was just left slack-jawed with disbelief, while Mr. S. sputter-guffawed and exclaimed: "Fooking goods, ye've goot tae be kiddin' me!" He turned to me with raised eyebrows. "What did ye fink aboot that, Tschoobs?"

All I could manage was, "Morning tongue?!"

Transcript: [VO] Morning tongue—nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just your body building up excitement overnight, for hashbrowns filled with cheese. And when hot, crispy Cheesy Tots are on the BK Breakfast Value Menu, sporting morning tongue is perfectly natural. So go ahead—satisfy yourself, with Cheesy Tots from Burger King.

Just to make sure we're all on the same page with this sophisticated metaphor, dudez get "morning tongue" which can only be alleviated by "masticating" Cheesy Tots, much like a wank is the cure for a morning erection.

This:


…would be the precise moment in the commercial where they lost me. Because in this moment, they turned Cheesy Tots into something that I will forever associate with being rubbed on some douchebag's tiny dicktongue.



Grodius Maximus
Which makes me never, ever, want to eat Cheesy Tots. Or, frankly, anything else from Burger King.

Not that I've eaten there since at least the "I Am Man" campaign, anyway. Oy.