This Isn't Really a Post About Lost

Normally on Friday afternoons, I post an open Lost thread, so the Losties among us can immerse ourselves in the latest twists and turns in the best fooking shoo in the histoory oof shoos. But of course, due to the writers' strike, Lost has gone on hiatus, and it will be another two weeks before we've got a new episode to deconstruct and utterly consume us.

In the void of a constant influx of new ZOMG whatthefuckery to obsess about, the next best thing I can do is recruit new junkies to obsess with. So recently, I gave Mama Shakes season one on DVD. Because, aside from being a retired English teacher, she is a voracious pleasure reader, I knew she would adore Lost, which, with its rich and layered character development and slow, tantalizing unveiling of the story, is the perfect show for book-lovers. But I had no idea I was about to unleash the World's Greatest Lostie.

Immediately, the emails started to arrive. They were so hilarious, I started reading them to Paul the Spud—another great Lostie who has also had the pleasure of meeting Mama Shakes while tucking into the world's most fuckable chili. Spudsy, on the other end of the phone, wept with laughter. "You've got to blog this!" he exclaimed. I secured Mama Shakes' permission, with the caveat: "Just make sure you capture my totally blasé attitude about the whole show appropriately because, you know, it's just okay." Important note, Shakers: She is not an addict.

(Some season one spoilers follow.)

Several days after leaving season one with her, I received the following communiqué from Parental Manor:

I just wanted to tell you that you were totally wrong about me becoming hooked on Lost. Every day I watch one or two episodes, just to prove over and over that I'm not hooked.

I really don't care about any of the characters, except Jack, and maybe Kate, Charlie, Claire, Locke, Sayid, Hurley, the Korean couple. Oh, and maybe Michael and his son, the brother and sister. I mean, see? I hardly know anything about the show.

And, despite what anyone may tell you, I did NOT gasp out loud or yell, "Climb a tree!! Climb a TREE!!!!" when a boar was chasing Charlie. That was not me.

So, your little plot to get me interested in Lost has failed horribly. Sorry.

Mama Shakes

P.S. I should be ready for Season 2 in a few more days.

Eight minutes later:

I forgot to mention Sawyer, of course, that little devil.

Hey, what is the name of the actor who plays Jack's dad? I can't remember it, and I didn't see any names in the "guest star" list that sounded familiar.

I replied that his name is John Terry and that she recognized him from Of Mice and Men, in which he played Slim. She taught the book for years, and always showed the movie to her classes; I knew instantly that would be from where she recalled him. She thanked me; of course that's from where she knew him! A bonus for Lost—it featured beloved Slim.

Shortly thereafter came the first installment of the obsession emails, which were so much better than for what I ever could have hoped, when I first endeavored to push my own mother onto the junk:

So, who is your obsession? Is there any one character? Seriously, I'd be hard pressed to choose a favorite at this point. I adore Jack, but who doesn't adore Jack? Same for Kate. Same for Clair. I could look at them and listen to them forever. Charlie is too cute to be believed. When he asked Locke for the heroin the third time and then threw it in the fire, I got all teary even though I thought that he would do that. Sayid's eyes make me weak. When Hurley built the golf course , I just loved it. When Charlie asks him about peanuts (for Claire) and then skirts all around the issue of Hurley's weight and Hurley says, "It'll be a long time before you want to give me a piggy back ride," I laughed out loud. They're all just great.

With the help of IMDb I finally figured out what I know Harold Perrineau from. I really liked his character in "I'll Fly Away," the TV show that starred Sam Waterston before L&O. He has such a distinctive mouth (It kind of reminds me of a parrot fish, and I'm not saying that as a criticism.) And speaking of distinctive, does anyone have better dimples than Sawyer?

I just watched the episode last night in which "Ethan Who/Whatever-the-hell-he-is" kidnaps Claire, leaves Charlie hanging (literally), and Locke and Boone find the metal hatch (?). I'm glad I'm watching it this way. I can't imagine having to wait a week between some of these episodes.

Love, love, love,
Mama Shakes

This provided much fodder for excellent obsessive conversation when I saw her the next day.

Several days later, I found in my inbox an email titled: "I Hate Shannon."

Just in case you were wondering: I hate Shannon. I just saw the episode in which she tricked Boone into "saving" her once again and then went to bed with him. I was upset when I thought she was dead, but since she's not…I hate her. And she'd better not screw with Sayid.

I also hate Susan, Michael's ex-wife, and her stupid second husband Brian. The only good thing she did was save Michael's letters to Walt. And Brian is worse than a worthless turd for thinking that Walt's specialness is bad and for not having the balls to at least come and say goodbye to him.

The scene with Charlie trying not to read Claire's diary was the most adorable thing evah.

The scene with Hurley trying to talk Jin into peeing on his foot was a riot.

Now, some questions:

1. What the hell was Sawyer doing at the police station when Boone was there trying to report Shannon's "abusive" boyfriend?

2. Did the Spanish comic book that obviously explains everything really burn up? No, who pulled it out of the fire?

See? I'm still not hooked on it.

Mama Shakes

A day or two later, still just watching to prove her abject disinterest, natch:

Yesterday I watched the episode in which all the "hunters" go after Ethan and then Charlie shoots him. Crikey!!

The scenes with Charlie at the copier meeting were so excruciating I almost wanted to fast forward them as I did with the torture of Sawyer.

I saw Sawyer's story, too, and the killing of the one he thought was behind his mother's death. Ohhhhh. Seriously, he has a murderous look that defines the word "murderous."

The scene at the funeral for the person who was killed by Ethan in which Hurley does the "eulogy" was so sweet. He cracks me up.

Luvya
Mama Shakes

Two days later, definitely on the verge of proving that she does not like the show in the slightest, came the following, under title "Sniff."

Claire's baby was just born; Boone died. I couldn't remember if I had seen that he was on for just one season, but I figured he would die since the baby was being born.

A transfusion with a sea urchin spine?!

Kevin Tighe, the actor who played John Locke's father in what may be one of the most reprehensible roles ever, was a hero on the old TV series "Emergency!"

I told her to let me know when she was ready for the finale, and I'd come over and watch it with her. On Wednesday, I was feeling shitty and couldn't believe the luck that she was ready for the last two episodes of season one; "I'm going to watch Lost with my mommy!" is perhaps the most equally childish and soothing thing I have ever said as an adult. We settled in with a box of tissues between us, and emerged hours later, tear-streaked and blubbed out. When Iain and my dad retired after dinner to watch a Cubs game, Mama Shakes and I sat at the dining room table and poured over every detail we could collectively conjure, from Sun's spectacularly beautiful hands to Hurley's weight loss (or lack thereof).

I gave her season two. I told her to call me when she's ready for the finale, and we'd do it again.

The next morning, I got an email. Subject: "Okay, now it's officially scary."

Hey, Toots,

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, "Hurley hasn't lost weight because the Island doesn't want him to lose weight for some reason."

The Island doesn't want him to lose. I guarantee it. Well, maybe. …

Either way, the Island has got us.

And what great fun we're having. If only Mama Shakes liked the show...