Mullet, Jugs, and Speed

I don't know if you've seen the movie Crank starring Jason Statham, but if you ever have the opportunity, don't. It sucks. I recently described it to some cohorts as "a vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile, vile movie."

When pressed for clarification I responded:

Everything about it was awful.

Foremost was the scene where the hero wants to have sex with his girlfriend, and she says "no" over and over again. That doesn't stop him from pouncing on her. (There's a word for that, you know.) Of course, she suddenly gets into it and turns into a wildcat. All of this happens on the sidewalk in Chinatown, as throngs of onlookers hoot, holler and cheer.

Then there was a foot chase through a hospital where the hero ran over and shoved down countless patients, which I think was supposed to be funny. Or maybe not. I dunno. It went on far too long and was really off-putting.

There was also that tired old sight gag where the hero has a raging hard-on and it's sticking straight out from his waist. Not funny the first time I saw that gag twenty-five years ago, not funny now. (Has anyone in Hollywood ever actually had an erection?)

There was not one likable character in the whole thing. The hero was a contract killer who rapes his girlfriend, beats up elderly hospital patients, makes homophobic wisecracks, etc. and yet we're supposed to somehow give a shit if he lives or dies.

Personally I was hoping the bad guys would kill him.

Not to mention the film making itself was garish, obnoxious, edited in a manner reminiscent of Ritalin-starved music videos by third-rate rock acts.

It was the worst movie I've seen in a long time, and dude, I rented Frankenfish recently.

So I was kind of surprised when I read they were making a sequel. It's doubly strange considering Statham's character does end up dying at the end and is somehow set to star in the follow-up. (And hey, if I just ruined the ending of the movie for you, too bad, I consider that part of my civic duty.) Maybe he'll play an Evil Twin™ or something. Perhaps he'll only show up in flashbacks.

Or maybe he'll be a spectral mentor to the film's other star, Corey Haim. (It could be like Faraway, So Close!, but with buckets of misogyny, racism and homophobia.) Haim may be too much the human trainwreck to appear in Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, but is apparently just trainwrecky enough to be in Crank 2: High Voltage (see inset).

I just hope that's a picture of him after makeup.

Now, I'm going to get a little personal here and address this last bit directly to Jason Statham: I really liked you in Snatch and The Italian Job. I even enjoyed you in Transporter, despite that film otherwise being a total box of suck. I know you want to be a big action star, but come on, crap like this isn't a good idea. Do you think Schwarzenegger looks back on Commando with anything other than shame? How do you think Stallone feels about having Cobra on his résumé? At least Cobra had that weird little scene with Brigitte Nielsen and the robots.

All I'm saying, Jason, to you and everyone else in Hollywood, please stop making crap like this. Please please please. We don't need it. We don't want it.