(I'll ask Joy for a transcript and post it a.s.a.p.) Update: it's after the jump.
EXT : COFFEE SHOP
MICHELLE
Joy, you’ve got such a pretty face. If you lost just 40 pounds you’d be gorgeous.
JOY
I’m already gorgeous.
REWIND
MICHELLE
You’ve got such a pretty face, it’s a shame about your weight...
JOY
And you’ve got such great style, it’s a shame about your personality.
REWIND
MICHELLE
Joy, you’ve got such a pretty face-
JOY
And this incredible body... trust me I hear it all the time. You know, it’s not easy being this foxxxy.
EXT: NARRATORVILLE
NARRATOR
You know what sucks? Staircase wit. When you think of the perfect thing to say 10 minutes after you need it-- when the moment has passed and you’re heading down the staircase.
EXT: COFFEE SHOP
MICHELLE
You would be just perfect if you lost 30 pounds!
JOY
Oh. My. God. I was JUST about to say the EXACT same thing to you!! That is so weird! Do you get that a lot?
MICHELLE
That’s very rude...
JOY
You just said it to me!!
EXT: NARRATORVILLE
NARRATOR
The secret to turning your staircase wit, into regular old everyday wit is practice. There are only so many things that people are gonna yell at you. Just put together a few things to yell back.
BOB
Fatass!!
NARRATOR
(to BOB) Bite me!!
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
See? It’s easy!
EXT: BUS STOP
JOHNNY
Oh my god... Look at her gut. She should not be wearing that.
JOY
You probably want to keep your voice down. Everybody’s gonna find out what an asshole you are.
REWIND
JOHNNY
Ugh. She’s such a pig.
JOY
Wow, that was rude. Are you not feeling very good about yourself today?
EXT: NARRATORVILLE
NARRATOR
I think we fat people need to start sticking up for ourselves. Bullies get bigger and meaner when we stay silent.
EXT: RESIDENTIAL STREET
BOB
You pregnant?
JOY
Nope! Just fat!
REWIND
BOB
You pregnant?
JOY
No... Are you?
REWIND
BOB
You pregnant?
JOY
No, but the night is young.
REWIND
CHILD
Do you have a baby in your tummy?
JOY
No, I’m just fat. People come in all kinds of shapes and sizes.
CHILD
Okay!
EXT NARRATORVILLE:
NARRATOR
The best is when it comes from your family:
INT: KITCHEN DRYING DISHES
AUNT
Have you thought about getting one of those lap-bands?
JOY
A lap dance? That doesn’t sound very hygienic.
AUNT
Joy, don’t be stupid. I’m talking about surgery.
JOY
You mean the elective surgery where 88% of patients experience complications*? The one that 40 percent of the people who survive it, gain back half of their lost weight in 5 years**? The one that costs anywhere from $15K to $26K, Not counting any therapy or nutritionist fees?
AUNT
I’m just worried about you.
JOY
If you’re concerned about my health, how about paying for my gym membership?
EXT: NARRATORVILLE
NARRATOR
They say fat hate is one of the last forms of prejudice where even the people who are subjected to it think that they are getting exactly what they deserve. We think that this isn’t us.
BETTY
They don’t mean me... They mean the REALLY fat people.
NARRATOR
No. They mean you.
BETTY
But! This isn’t ME! I was so thin when I was 13 years old! There’s a thin person inside of me! She’s just buried under all this flab!!
NARRATOR
Wait. When you were 13... you thought you were impossibly fat, remember? Your arms were too big, your stomach was disgusting... we’re not even gonna talk about your thighs. And today? Travel with me here. Today you look at pictures of your 13-year-old self and are SHOCKED at how CUTE you were! You were so cute! Why didn’t you realize how cute you were?? Guess what. In 10 years, you’ll look at a picture taken today. Right here right now of here together and you’ll think... Oh my God-- look how cute we were!! We were so cute! Why didn’t I act like I was cute?! I should have been wearing hotpants 8 days a week. Why the hell wasn’t I in a tank top? So? The mission? Live today, like you’ll wish you would have 10 years from now. Cause in the future, we'll look at the past, and wonder what the hell our problem was. This is it. You’ve got ONE life. Live it up!
If you missed them, check out Fat Rants one and two now.
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