Out Of the Way, Little Lady... Let a Man Show You How It's Done

In my "Stealth Homos" post below, Astrea made a very good point in comments that all too often, women are portrayed as domestic chore experts when inside the home, but the moment the locale changes, a man can suddenly do the job better. Coincidentally, I had just finished ranting about a completely exasperating article that uses this very idea to Liss via email, and had begun writing a post to smear it with snark.

So, let's all share the love, shall we? What Moms Can Learn From Dads, sent straight to us from Mars and Venus via a female author (disappointingly). Here's just a few lovely bits that really pissed me off.

When Andrew McDade's first daughter, Ana, was born nine years ago, he and his wife, Eliza, made a very modern decision: He would stay home to raise their kids. The reasons were partly financial — Andrew was a teacher and Eliza worked in finance — and "I'm more suited to it," he adds.

Yes, that completely modern decision that the father would stay home to raise the kids that's never occurred to anyone before this Brave New Millennium. Seriously, why is this always treated like a brand new, flabbergasting development?

Indeed, McDade, who now lives in Ridgewood, N.J., took to fatherhood with gusto. But he soon realized there was another part of the job description: dealing with unsolicited maternal advice. Moms "would walk up to me and say, 'The baby's head is tilted!' " when he carted Anna around in the BabyBjörn. On the playground, they'd check whether he was doing OK. "It was funny," he says, "They thought, 'I know better.' "

Insert manly, "Oh, those meddling women" chuckle here, as if they're giving him advice because he's a dude, and not because he's a new parent. Now, I'm going to be indulgent and say that, just possibly, this guy was doing everything right and these "moms" were being a little intrusive. But you really have to love how this guy can't even consider the possibility that, you know, maybe they did know better. Maybe he was doing something wrong, or they had seen him making mistakes in the past and they thought he could use a little advice. (Couldn't everyone use a little advice when it comes to raising children?) But no, he's got it all under control! How the fuck could a woman know more than him? What a chore to have to deal with this unsolicited maternal advice; women never hear that kind of thing. Ahem.

But these families are less rare than they once were. "I'm not the big exception anymore," McDade says. As men are taking on primary parenting roles, researchers are discovering that these dads do things a little differently — and sometimes a little better — than more traditional families.

Of course, it's the dads that are doing this "sometimes a little better" than "more traditional families," i.e., mothers. It's not the individual parent. It's all about the gender differences, yet again. Cheese and crackers.

While moms thought they had a lot to teach McDade, primary parent dads have four main lessons they're teaching moms, too:

So, McDade is somehow representative of all men now? And you're going to love these "four main lessons."

1. It's OK to keep a hand in the workforce. Though the number has risen about 50% in the past three years, there are still only about 150,000 "pure" stay-at-home dads such as McDade around the USA. But 2002 Census figures show dads are the primary parent in about 20% of families with young kids and working moms.
[...]
Men like Smith understand there is a middle ground. "We don't really have a good word for combining primary caregiving and worker roles," he says. Many men and women do both. But men he interviewed "feel a lot less anxiety" about maintaining a professional identity.

Well gee, maybe they "feel a lot less anxiety" because they haven't been traditionally shamed for having the temerity to have children and continue working. Maybe because they haven't traditionally had to worry about having children or losing their job. But, you know, thanks for giving women the permission to do both. Christ.

2. You don't have to do the laundry. Moms who stay home with children often assume they must cook, clean and run errands as well. Married, non-employed moms of young kids spend 1.61 hours a day on housework and 1.41 hours on food prep and clean-up. Some dads excel in these areas. But statistically, married non-employed dads of young kids spend just 0.42 hours a day on housework and 0.64 hours on food chores. Clearly, with men, domestic work and child care are being negotiated as separate jobs.

"When you think about it, the task of caring for kids is logically different from doing the housework," says Joan C. Williams, director of the Center for WorkLife Law at Hastings College of the Law in California. There's no reason that the person who rocks the cradle also needs to pick up the dry cleaning.

Well, sure, you don't have to do the laundry, but most women are expected to do the laundry, as well as "rock the cradle," do the rest of the housework, and have a decent meal on the table when I get home from work, for chrissakes. Women have always been strictly held to the expectation of completing domestic chores, because "she's at home all day anyway," but now that a man is involved, now domestic work and child care are "negotiable." Hey, I took the kid to the park, why the fuck should I have to sort whites and darks?

3. Parents are people, too. So what do dads do with the time they're not dusting? "They give themselves more permission to have leisure time — to watch ball games or go out," says Bill Doherty, a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota. He counsels families and finds that "men tend to have almost no ambivalence" about this.

Allow me to change that first sentence. MALE parents are people, too. Of course they have almost no ambivalence about leisure time; they're not traditionally held to sexist standards where they're expected to (and/or guilted into) give all of their time to home, child and spouse, where the ultimate in luxury and "me time" is a bubble bath. But hey mothers, if you're not getting enough leisure time because you're running to soccer practice, taking the kids to school, going to the grocery store, paying bills, taking the kids to the doctor's office, doing housework, making lunches, going to PTA meetings, cooking meals, or any of the other things you're expected to do all day, it's because you haven't given yourself permission to do so. Get up off your ass. No, McDade- it's not about giving yourself permission, it's about having a partner that "gives you permission."

4. Kids need both parents. In traditional families, dads tend to delegate most child-related decisions to mom. But women, even when they are breadwinners, are "not willing to outsource their children's childhoods, even to their husbands," says Williams. While Smith was the primary parent, his wife worked about 35 hours a week (rather than 70), and took care of their son every morning.

Yes, you greedy, grasping mothers are unwilling to let your husbands do anything when it comes to raising children. You're smothering them! You want them to grow up homo or something?

It's really ridiculous and infuriating how these four "lessons" are directed at primary parent mothers, rather than at working fathers. Of course you have to do the laundry if you don't have someone else to do it for you. It's written as though mothers have never considered that they'd prefer to have someone else to do the housework occasionally and have a little time for themselves.

Oh, and single parents? Same-sex parents? You don't fucking count.

"My daughters don't see the world as mommy stays home and daddy goes to work," McDade says. "They don't use the conventional logic." Plus, they have no cavities and "no big facial scars," he jokes.

He must be doing something right.

So, as long as a father can keep his children from getting maimed, he's doing a good job. That's quite the standard you've set for yourself there, McDade.

So, relax, ladies! Kick back! You take this parenting thing so fucking seriously! Oh, and could you shut those kids up? I'm trying to watch T.V., here.