Sunday School, Thursday Edition: Bible Stories With Deeky: Moses and the Golden Calf, Parts 1 & 2

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away there once was a boy named Moses. He survived a very late-term (fourth trimester) abortion at the hands of a Muslim and enemy of freedom named The Pharaoh. The Pharaoh was a pro-abortion baby-hater and advocate of same-sex marriage. Needless to say, he had no business being around children, so Moses's caretaker (Grandma Moses) chucked him in the Nile. Because he loved the baby Jesus and prayed a bunch, Moses was not eaten by crocs, but instead rescued and made an honorary Egyptian.

That was all cool until God got a wild hair and decided to start giving a shit about the Israelites and commanded Moses to lead them to the Promised Land. The Egyptians didn't like this idea because they were lazy and didn't like to do anything themselves and had made all the Jews their slaves. "Sucks to be you," said Moses and told Yul Brenner they were gonna book. Yul was pissed and asked Allah to stop them, but Moses's God was bigger than Yul's God and He put the serious smackdown on the Egyptians.

God unleashed the Ten Plagues™ on Egypt which included: rivers of blood, raining frogs, prop comics, stubbed toes, and halitosis. God even killed all the Egyptian babies, just to show he wasn't fucking around. (As if raining frogs wasn't proof enough.) God's pro-life street cred was not tarnished by that last one. This was later made into a movie starring Hilary Swank.

So, Moses and the Israelites wandered the desert for forty years. There was no MapQuest back then. And even though God had no problem raining fire and locusts down on an entire country, He couldn't be bothered to give Moses a fucking compass.

While camped out near Mt. Sinai, God turned into a burning bush, and told Moses to come visit him up at his ski cabin in the hills. He had something for him. Moses put his son in charge while he was on vacation, which turned out to be just like that movie Risky Business, where all hell breaks loose while Dad is away.

Moses's son Aaron went around the village and demanded everyone give him their bling so he could melt it down into a statue of a calf. This was not socialism, by the way. The Israelites worshipped the Golden Calf, and when Moses got back, boy was he pissed! As it turns out, that was at the top of The List of Very Bad Things he had just been given by God. Moses then smashed the Golden Calf and killed everyone who had worshipped it. "Sucks to be you."

The moral of this story: Worshipping God = Good. Worshipping Idols = Bad. (Also, Don't fuck with God, he kills babies.)

Fast-forward 9,000 or so years.

Nouveau-Israelite, God Channel TV host and biblical scholar Cindy Jacobs attempted to prove you can serve God and Mammon. How? By worshipping a Golden Calf. Like Moses, God speaks directly to her, and He recently said "Nevermind all that shit I wrote in the Ten Commandments, get a bunch of people down to Wall Street, tout de suite. I need you to get your prayer on. And I hate gays."

The ever-obedient Jacobs put together the Day of Prayer for the World's Economies, which culminated with the laying of hands upon Wall Street's Golden Bull yesterday. (See image here.) God responded with a 2% increase on the Dow Jones.

Hallelujah.