The Sod Squad is Coming for You!

My two favorite bloviating fucknecks, Bill O'Reilly and Newt Gingrich, are very, very concerned about the radical queers and their radical allies (see: Cult of the Feminazi Cooter), who form the "gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us." If you're not panicking about the radical queer onslaught, then you're obviously not paying attention! These radical queers and their radical allies are fixing to take over the entire country and force good, conservative, Christian straight people to get gay-married against their wills and give up their firstborn children to be gayified with their gay-beams of gayitude! THE GAYPOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!



[Full transcript is here.]
I truly adore how O'Reilly keeps trying to tie the protests etc. to "the election," as if this is the natural outgrowth of electing Obama ("See what happens when you elect a radical black Muslim crackhead?"), rather than a response to the passage of Prop 8—that little thing that ripped equality from the hands of a community to which it had been extended at long last.

But even better than that is watching Newt Gingrich expand yet further the boundaries of acceptable conservative religiosity. First, you had to be a WASP to be part of the Moral Majority (no Catholics or darkies allowed), then it was all about the Christian Coalition (as long as you believed in Jesus, you were cool), then it was suddenly the Judeo-Christian tradition (welcome, Joe Lieberman!), and now, amazingly, after a two-term Republican presidency that demonized Muslims and an election in which the implication the Democratic nominee was Muslim was considered an insult, believers in "the historic version of Islam" are welcome to the party, too!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

If layoffs at Focus on the Family weren't a big enough indicator that the interest in Christian conservative extremism is dwindling, howsabout Newt freaking Gingrich extending a hand of partnership to fundamentalist Muslims? It would be hilarious if it weren't so pathetic, this desperate attempt to cobble to together a conservative alliance from the bottom of every religious barrel. The believers in "traditional religion." Yeah, well, we all know what that means: Vote Republican—we'll protect you from them!

On the ground with the hoi polloi, far away from the lofty luxuriance of billion-dollar defense contracts and insider trading schemes, Republicanism has become nothing but a mafia protection racket, shaking down the ignorant and the bigoted for their votes in exchange for security. Call it The Family Values.

And, like the Cosa Nostra who perfected this scam, the GOP is really the only thing their victims have to fear—broken banks instead of broken kneecaps. So they invent bogeymen to hide behind, peddling hate of them, and then the protection from them, because it's the only thing they've got to offer.

Watch out, America! The Sod Squad is Coming for You!


But hate just ain't selling like it used to.

O'REILLY: All right, so when we come back, I want to talk about the economy, which is frightening everybody. I want to talk about the illegal alien amnesty, and we'll talk about the "In God We Trust," all right. We'll have more with the speaker in a moment.

Socialists, Immigrants, and Atheists—oh my! I almost can't think of anything more pitiable than being a dimestore Joe McCarthy knock-off. Except, of course, being the devotee of a dimestore Joe McCarthy knock-off. It can't be fun going through life burdened with the crushing weight of constant fear and indignation on your back.

I wouldn't know. I've got my pink shoez on already, so bring on the gaypocalypse—I welcome my radical queer overlords!