Even My Thetans Are Giggling

I've been telling my BFF Tom Cruise for years, "Tom, it's fine if you want to be a total nutball who appears to be perpetually on the brink of either a massive breakdown or murder spree, possibly both—but, take it from an expert, you've got to at least have a sense of humor about it." And finally, he listened to me.

Here's my BFF Tom Cruise on The Late Show with David Letterman doing the Top 10 Things Craziest Things People Say About Him on the Internets.

10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat-like harness.

9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.

8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.

7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.

6. I once Heimliched a koala.

5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.

4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo-Rub.

3. I'm a power mad ego maniac who's completely insulated from reality. Oh wait, that's Letterman.

2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.

1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my ass.

(At the end, he says, "That last one was true!")

I pick on old Tommy Boy a lot, but that was pretty funny—and I've respect for anyone who lets themselves be the butt of the joke.