Fuck Huckabee

I am so bloody furious after watching this clip from The Daily Show, in which Jon Stewart discusses with Governor Mike Huckabee his opposition to same-sex marriage, that I am literally shaking with rage. There's almost nothing I can tolerate less than someone hiding their bigotry between some affected gee-whiz-aw-shucks shtick, and whining about the people who have the temerity to call them out as the retrofuck, hatemongering defenders of undeserved privilege that they really are behind the gormless façade.

By the time Huck got to the part where he was blathering on about the "entire purpose of a marriage" being to "create the next generation" and "train our replacements," effectively redefining marriage himself to exclude even straight couples who cannot or do not want to have kids, and doing all this without a trace of everloving irony after whinging about the meanie gays who want to redefine marriage, I was ready to put my fist through the wall.

Instead, I spent the last hour or so doing a transcript, so everyone who can't view the video can read the interview, and we can all talk about it together and discuss in infinitesimal detail all that is wrong with everything that comes out of Huck's filthy fucking mouth.

Stewart: We're talking with Governor Mike Huckabee, whose book is "Do the Right Thing." We talked a little bit about fiscal conservatism in the first one; I want to talk to you about social conservatism, because this is really about you wanting the Republican Party to get back to its basics, and, respectfully speaking, one thing I guess I don't understand about social conservatives— I get pro-life, and that's probably their number one issue, and it's very easy for me to understand it; it's easy for me to understand that we all should work to reduce the number of [abortions] with the goal of ending that, uh— The gay marriage issue, and why conservatives are against it—you write that marriage is the bedrock of our society: Why would you not want more couples to buy into the stability of marriage; why would you want that precluded for an entire group of individuals?

Huckabee: Marriage still means one man, one woman, life relationship. I think people have a right to live any way they want to, but, even anatomically, let's face it, the only way that we can create the next generation is through a male-female relationship. For 5,000 years of recorded human history, that's what marriage has meant. Thirty states have had it on the ballot, and in all 30 states it's passed—even in states like California that— Nobody would suggest are social conservatives leading the state of California.

Stewart: Well, thirty states had Mike Huckabee on the ballot and they went with McCain. Listen, you can't trust the voters! The voters don't know!

Huckabee: The point being, in those states, Jon, an average of 68% of the voters across America have affirmed as traditional marriage— It's not that they have tried to say they're going to ban something as much as they're going to affirm what has always been.

Stewart: California did ban it. In essence, they said, you could get married; they got married—

Huckabee: Absolutely, but they affirmed what they had done before—

Stewart: But people got married in the interim, and then they went back and said, you're not— I guess my question is— You said, reaffirming the tradition of marriage over 5,000 years, which takes it back to the Old Testament, where polygamy was the norm, not a heterosexual marriage between two couples [sic] that choose each other. Marriage has evolved greatly over those 5,000 years, from a property arrangement, polygamy— We've redefined it constantly. It used to be that people of different races could not marry. It strikes me as very convenient to go back to the Bible and say, "Hey, man, we gotta look at the way they define marriage." What about the way they did slavery in the Bible?

Huckabee: But if we change the definition, then we really do have to change it to accommodate all lifestyles. I mean, we would have to say to the guy in West Texas who had 27 wives, it's okay. And I'm not sure that I hear a lot of people arguing that's a great idea—

Stewart: I'm not sure why polygamy is the issue here. It seems like a fundamental human right. You write in your book that all people are created equal—

Huckabee: Yeah.

Stewart: —and yet, for gay people, you believe that it is corrosive in society to allow them to have the privileges that all humans enjoy.

Huckabee: Well, but, there's a difference between the equality of each individual and the equality of what we do, and the sameness of what we do. I mean, the fact is, marriage is, under our law, a privilege. It's not an absolute divine right.

Stewart: So what if we make it that Hispanics can't vote?

Huckabee: [pause] Well, I don't think that's a really good idea. I'm not sure that we should do that.

Stewart: So why can't gay people get married?

Huckabee: Well, because marriage still means a male and a female relationship, and until the laws are changed, it still means that.

Stewart: But aren't you, aren't you giving up a— I disagree. I think, you know, segregation used to be the law until the courts intervened.

Huckabee: But there's a big difference between a person being black and a person practicing a lifestyle and engaging in a marital relationship.

Stewart: Okay, actually this is helpful because this gets to the crux of it. I think it's the difference between what you believe gay people are and what I do. And I live in New York City, so I'm just going to make a supposition that I have more experience being around them.

Huckabee: [laughs]

Stewart: And I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And people choose— The protections that we have for religion— We protect religion. And talk about a lifestyle choice—that is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose to not be gay?

Huckabee: But, Jon, religious people don't have the right to burn others at the stake; they don't have the right to do anything they wish to do. It still comes down to—

Stewart: You're not being asked to marry a guy; they're asking to marry the person they love.

Huckabee: Well, they're asking to redefine the word, and, frankly, we're probably not going to come to terms— If the American people are not convinced that we should overturn the definition of marriage, then I would say that those who support the idea of same-sex marriage have a lot of work to do to convince the rest of us. And as I said, 68% of the American population have made that decision.

Stewart: Here's what I think: I think it's one of— You know, you talk about the pro-life movement [abortion] being one of the great shames of our nation. I think if you want number two, I think it's that: I think it's an absolute—I think it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.

Huckabee: I respect that you and I disagree with that.

Stewart: Oh, okay.

Huckabee: I really do. And one of the things that I want to make sure that people understand, that if a person does not necessarily support the idea of changing the definition of marriage, it does not mean that they're a homophobe. It does not mean that they're filled with hate and animosity and anger—

Stewart: I was in no way suggesting that—

Huckabee: No, you were not saying that, but I think that some people would like to throw the epithets at people whether they're like me or someone else—

Stewart: But it does beg the question, I have to say, and, again, it's in—it's why. You keep talking about, "Geez, it would be redefining a word." And it feels like semantics is cold comfort when it comes to humanity. And especially someone such as yourself who is, I think, an empathetic person, who is someone who seeks to get to the heart of problems, this idea that, "Geez, I don't know, Jon, definitions and society…" [makes a face] I mean, marriage was not even a sacrament until the 1200s.

Huckabee: Well, words do matter. Definitions matter. And I think that we have to be very thoughtful and careful before we say that we're going to undo an entire social structure. I mean, let's face it, the entire purpose of a marriage is not just to create the next generation, but it's to train our replacements. And it is in the context of 23 male and 23 female chromosomes coming together at the point of conception to create the next human life.

Stewart: I think you're looking at sexuality and not attributes. And it's odd, because I think the conservative mantra is a meritocracy, and I think what you're suggesting is the fact of being gay parents makes you not as good as others, and I would suggest that a loving gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

Huckabee: I'm not going to defend Britney and Kevin for sure!

Stewart: But I appreciate you for having the conversation, and, I just—it's just— It's wild.

Huckabee: Well, Jon, I just want you to know I'm not going to marry you. I'm just not.

Stewart: I appreciate that.