(How to Be) Impossibly Beautiful

Today, the always-responsible Daily Mail covers the "Jessica Simpson Weight Controversy" in its typically ghoulish way (under the headline "Thighs the limit as Jessica Simpson squeezes into skin-tight leather trousers")—and I warn you that clicking through will expose you to some serious fat-hatred, long before you even get to the comments, so click judiciously.

The reason I mention it at all is because it includes a "before and after"-style image juxtaposition of Simpson that is meant to illustrate how far she's fallen…


That's what we're really talking about here. The difference between those two photos.

(One of which, let's note, is an airbrushed publicity shot and the other a candid shot.)

On the left, "every man's" fantasy. On the right, a disgusting, sloppy, fatass wreck that inspires editorial representation like this:


Perspective has left the building.

Speaking of perspective, now here's the really interesting part from the Daily Mail article:

[Simpson] spent months sculpting her body to play Daisy Duke for the 2005 big screen version of Dukes Of Hazzard.

She endured two-hour workouts six days a week with personal trainer Michael Alexander, who sculpted her physique with a combination of running, squats, lunges and weight-resistance exercises.

She also followed a South Beach Diet-style low-carb, high-protein menu which featured grilled chicken, fish and green vegetables.

Got that? Even eating a strict diet, Simpson had to work out two hours a day, six days a week to attain the physique she's now being crucified for no longer having—and it's evidently a perfectly reasonable expectation that she do it for the rest of her life.

Simpson didn't need that rigorous regime because she needed to lose lots of weight: She just had to get to Daisy Duke from where she is now—which used to be considered enormously hot, until she made an extraordinary effort to make her body do something it doesn't naturally do. Now she's lambasted for refusing to maintain it by dedicating at least twelve hours a week of her life just to working out, a schedule she called "emotionally destructive."

And in this very article, stuck right between the paragraphs detailing that demanding routine and the paragraphs reporting Simpson's heartbreaking description of it, is this:

But following her recent weight increase, it appears Jessica has been indulging herself over the Christmas and Thanksgiving period.

Yes, that's right. She's just a voracious pig.

By the way, it was just over a year ago that Jessica Simpson was too skinny.

To every Shaker who reads this: Be healthy. Be happy. Remember that perspective has left the building. And know there is at least one other person on the planet who does not give the tiniest, infinitesimal fuck what you look like and thinks you are beautiful just. as. you. are. because everyone looks hot holding a teaspoon.