Dispatches from Mr. Petulant

Pet is "having technological problems AGAIN" and is sending me hilarious missives via dial-up (which I am sharing with his permission, since he can't post, as, "It takes forever for the Blogger dashboard to load and I am not patient this morning," like he's ever patient):

I am on dial-up at the moment as my router died. Once I got the new router set-up, my fucking cable went out. So now I am waiting and waiting. I am also a snotty mess. A snotty mess and slow loading webpages do not make Petulant happy. Where's my Nyquil?!

Do you by chance know a good drugstore nail polish? I have this incredible urge to paint my toenails.

I don't remember a time, except maybe after 9/11, that all the news networks carried the White House Press Briefing EVERY DAY in its entirety. It is a new administration, but the WHPB is usually an afterthought by the news media when the Press Secretary fucks up something. MSNBC just wants to give Chuck Todd as much air time as possible. Every day, show the press briefing, then Todd regurgitates.

Heavens to Murgatroyd! I am out of butter! How can I be out of butter? I always have spare butter in the freezer. OMG! I am out of butter. I am going to starve.

I can't remember the last time I got an email with pertinent news stories from Buzzflash. All Buzz seems to email are solicitations for ridiculous Obama merchandise: beanie caps, grocery bags, flashlights, etc.

I don't want to meet the people who would wear an Obama beanie cap or use an Obama flashlight to find their way when the electrical grid collapses.

I thought the fucking Obama gold coins were unnecessary. Now, Obama riding the unicorn starts to look classy.

I have to scrub my body again because the outside world soiled it. I always feel dirty every time I leave the house and return. NASTY WORLD! Shit! I forgot to buy nail polish. BUT I DID BUY BUTTER! Yay! I won't starve.

The writer is a fancy-pants elitist who parks his car on a rug.