Even Your Poo Can Be Hetero

(Today sucks, and I'm fed up. Work is horrendous, I've got a headache, and frankly, the way the Republicans are playing Obama and the Dems like an accordion [and the media obediently playing along] has me so pissed off, I'm ready to jump into a Christmas tree. Frankly, I need a laugh, and I figured some of you might as well, so I thought I'd re-run this article I wrote for another site. WARNING: This post is about poop, and I use some pretty disgusting euphemisms. I also use very naughty NWS language. If you're at all poo-phobic, you might wanna move along.)

So I was in the Merz Apothecary this week, buying shaving cream and ridiculously expensive soap, when I came upon a new product line called "Ritual." Now, I have a beard that can deflect tank mortars, so I'm always curious about new shaving products. The Ritual shaving cream didn't look like it would work well with a shaving brush, and yes I use a shaving brush, so I decided against it.

But, WAIT just a minute, good friends? What's THIS?

Confession time: I, your good friend Spudsy, have a phobia of making number twos in a public restroom. I'll make sure I'm empty before I leave the house every day, and if I'm out and about, you'd better believe I know where the cleanest, most private public lavvys are. And Maude forbid, if I'm out at a bar and I have to punch a grumpy, I'll go the fuck home. This is MY issue and I own it, ok? Frankly, I'm amazed there are people that have no problem with dropping a deuce in a fucking gas station shitter.

Anyway, when you're at work, you don't have the option of going home, do you? And there's nothing worse than going into the office craphouse just to have your co-worker walk in when you've made butt coffee so vile that the paint is peeling. You'd have to quit your job and move to another state; they'd be calling you "Stinky McShitpants" forever.

Enter: NATURE CALLS. You put two drops of this miracle elixir into the toilet water just before getting rid of your lunch, and it COMPLETELY eliminates any smell. And it WORKS, bitchez. It smells a bit like industrial bathroom cleanser, but hey, that's better than smelling the Indian food you processed last night.

I am Paul the Spud, and I love Nature Calls.

Anyway, one thing I found really amusing was the tag line on Ritual's "Products" page. "Goodbye Metrosexual, Hello Machosexual." OoooooOOOOoooooh! Get her. I love how they're using this two-fisted, old-timey, Ba-Da-Bing macho look (Look, this guy's got TATTOOS on his FINGERS. Whotta man!), meanwhile, their product that is getting the most press and attention is created for guys that are nervous that their dook might make the bathroom a little whiffy. How butch.