Taint a Good Man

Dear friends, I confront you today, my whiskers a-bristling with outrage. What's this, you say! What's this! Not more than a fortnight after retiring (Democracy is such a swooning and fickle Mistress, and the machinations of a mob glad-handers and Anarchists has caused me to become disunited from my post as Head Detector of Potions, Elixirs, and Poisons for the US Government and Its Occupied Territories), I discover some dribblelipped wastrels have been having an injurious twiddle-dee-dee at my dear friend Perry Taint's expense. I assure you, Major Taint is a good man. And thorough.

I've known Perry Taint since our days as raffish young tads at preparatory school where his love of Tales of Men in Uniform and Military Adventures was unbounded. Why, any opportunity to play dress-up soldier was greeted with jollification and good-humoredness, and nary a day passed that he did not polish his saber with vigor! That Taint went on to serve Land and Country was of no surprise to the members of our conkers troupe, as we each and every one knew that young Perry's destiny was in the slippery trenches, hands firmly gripping a brass elephant-gun, amongst other brave men.

With assiduity, doggedness, and grit, Taint rose through the ranks and performed his sworn-oath duty to the service of Expansionism. As Major he was granted governance of certain Occupied Territories, and it was here that many an uprising and revolt was put down under Taint's firm hand. I should not have to so forthrightly remind readers that the wards of these wild lands, as well as we at home, should be forever grateful for his cunning stewardship. It is by Major Taint's hand alone that so many of the commodities on which we depend have continued to flow into our Great Nation. Remember that wise old saying, friends: The Truncheon is oft times the hobnobber of Commerce!

If it weren't for an unrecuperative ailment contracted during the Philippine-American War, I have no doubt that Major Taint would have held This Country's highest honor and commanded a whole armada of airships to protect us all from the Kaiser and the accursed Turks. That Major Taint has not is to our own sorrow and detriment, for no greater man has our Armed Brigades ever known.

Now, should you slobberchops continue to disparage Major Taint, my hand will be forced to once again make a vulgar display of my pugilistic skills about your neck and head! You have been forewarned, hooligans!