Chuck Norris For President

I learned two things reading Chuck Norris's latest commentary at WND. First, Chuck has a thesaurus. ("George Washington advised…", "Thomas Jefferson counseled…", "Patrick Henry taught…", "John Adams declared…") Secondly, he is very, very dumb. (Everything else.)

He also plans to run for president. Of Texas.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "But Texas isn't a country, that doesn't make any kind of sense." You're right. But keep in mind, this all seems to be Glenn Beck's idea, so sense doesn't enter into it.

Chuck firmly believes we're heading for "a second American Revolution." And that revolution will likely start in the Lone Star State.

Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we'd do if the going got rough in America. Let there be no doubt about that. As Sam Houston once said, "Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may."

And what's all this oppression he's so pig-biting mad about? The huge national debt, our meddling in the Middle East, "partisan politics and runaway spending," and a congress and president who "stampede" the Constitution. If you think Norris is talking about Bush, he's not. All this bad shit has only happened in the last 50 days or so. Before that everything was peachy keen.

Anyway, because the country is going down the toilet in a spree of runaway spending, rampant totalitarianism, and not enough Jesus, Norris believes Texas will secede, and in fact, has the very right to. That right has something to do with their constitution, and their once having been a republic and something about their annexation at the hands of President Tyler that gives them special dispensation to split off whenever the fuck they feel like it. Norris wasn't entirely clear on this point, and I don't suppose anyone ever pointed out that Texas did secede once, back in 1861, and, well, you know, that didn't work back then and wouldn't now.

Nonetheless, I wish you the best of luck on your election bid, Mr. Norris. I hope your platform of karate-based justice speaks to the populous!

On a side note, Chuck and Beck have also teamed up for the über-creepy and sinister sounding We Surround Them movement. We Surround Them is vaguely threatening, and threateningly vague. And kind of stupid. Among the 12 values of We Surround Them: Charity. And among the 9 principles: "Government cannot force me to be charitable." Umm, okay. I'm not sure what else it's about. Maybe that's what the TV special is for.

The whole thing is probably a lot of wankery by and for priveledged douchebags, the kind of "oh, woe is me, it is so hard to be rich and white and Christian in this country" whining Beck and his cohorts are expert at. Of course, to experience it for yourself, you'll need to tune into We Surround Them: The Unveiling this Friday on Fox. That's the event where "thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation." Cell groups? Really? I told you it sounded threatening.