Assvertising

Today's installment is a two-parter, in which we check out how sex sells food and go international. But we'll start in the good old US of A, where the unholy union of Burger King, Sir Mix-A-Lot, and SpongeBob SquarePants are selling kids' meals with the irresistible allure of square butts:

Sir Mix-A-Lot as the Burger King, rapping: I like square butts and I cannot lie / Squid and Sea Star can't deny / When a sponge walks in / Four corners in his pants / Like he got phone book implants / The crowd shouts / All the ladies stare / Dang, those pants are square! / Swimming through the seaweed tangles / Is a butt with sharp right angles / Now, SpongeBob! / I wanna get witcha / 'Cuz you're making me richa / Burger King wants me to seal the deal / Ninety-nine cent, get a toy and a kid's meal!

Sir Mix-A-Lot, onscreen: Booty is booty.

This is just eight different shades of fucked-up. The thing is, the updated rap is clever and funny, and if the imagery had matched the lyrics, which were about SpongeBob's butt, that would have been one thing. But evidently that would have been "too gay" for Burger King (since everyone knows SpongeBob's a huge 'mo!) so adult women were inserted to be objectified and have their body parts measured by the Burger King.

As Shaker justmos, who sent the link, observed: "They are starting them early‏."

There is also an extended, 2.5-minute version in which the women's asses are observed by men through a telescope and a magnifying glass, and contains more explicit dancing, as well—even though the lyrics are "SpongeBob's got back."

And I guess I don't need to point out that this sexualized commercial for a kid's meal clearly presumes the kid in question is a straight male, so girls get to swallow their dignity along with their shitty food.

Starting them early indeed.

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And now over to Russia, where we've been sent by Shaker AF, to have a look at these creatives (which I'm not certain were actually used in an official campaign) for milk. And you thought the "Got Milk?" campaign was bad...


In case you missed it, not only is the milk cast as semen, but most of the women are cast as cows, bearing hair tied into "ears," chewing on greens, donned with spots, and/or sporting cowbells around their necks (this is not what "more cowbell" meant).

Shaker AF notes, hilariously: "This ad actually makes me more lactose intolerant, if that's even possible."

I don't even know what else to say. If you don't get why this campaign is problematic, to put it politely, you're probably at the wrong goddamn blog.

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One, Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three, Fifty-Four.]