Assvertising

This is a new advert from Minute Maid for their "Enhanced" juice, the premise of which is that if you don't put good stuff into your body, your body won't work right—including your brain. [Transcript below.]

So drink Minute Maid Enhanced, or else you'll embarrass the hell out of yourself by mistaking a nun for a lady with whom you had drunken unprotected sex!

See, it's extra funny because she's a nun! And therefore a VIRGIN!* Titter. Not a BIG SLUT with legions of babydaddies like he assumed her to be when he didn't drink Minute Maid Enhanced, because men are DUMB and so disconnected from their children's lives they can't tell the difference between their kids' teachers and women they had sloppy spring break sex with a decade ago. Har har.

Great concept, Minute Maid. I'll run right out and purchase that juice now. *takes sip of water* Sorry! What I meant was: I will never buy this product.

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* No, not all nuns are virgins, but that's a common assumption and it's quite evidently part of the joke, such as it is, here.

[A woman and man are on an escalator. The woman touches the man's shoulder; he turns to look at her.]

Woman: Excuse me. I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Man: [smiling] No. [face drops with shock] Oh! Cancun. Spring Break '99.

Woman: [horrified] What?

Man: No?

Woman: No.

Man: Oh!

Voiceover: Oops! Someone forgot to boost! [image of Minute Maid "Enhanced" juice" accompanied by "Juice!"]

[The same scene starts over, only this time the main is drinking Minute Maid Enhanced.]

Woman: Excuse me. I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Man: [recognizing her] Oh, my daughter's in your art class. [holds up wrist to show crafted bracelet] Sister Mary Catherine.

Woman: Yes!

Voiceover: Minute Maid Enhanced—with a five-nutrient boost. Put good in. Get good out.

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One, Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three, Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two.]