Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

Part 1: Bustin' No Longer Makes Me Feel Good

Dan Aykroyd confirms Ghostbusters 3 is in the works. If you recall, the first movie was pretty fuckin' awesome, and the second one teabagged goats. If we follow the law of diminishing returns, it's fair to say part three is going to shittiest sequel this side of Speed 2: Cruise Control. And if you think there is a chance this might not suck, consider this: The script is being penned by the same douchenozzles who wrote the dudebro costume drama Year One.

Aykroyd said he's hoping for a five-member "new generation" team with several female members. "I'd like it to be a passing-of-the-torch movie. Let's revisit the old characters briefly and happily and have them there as family but let's pass it on to a new generation."

Who does Aykroyd think would be good in the jumpsuits? Aykroyd mentioned two names, Alyssa Milano (who is a voice in the upcoming Ghostbusters video game) and Eliza Dushku. "I think they're amazing," he said.

Why am I imagining some hetero male über-wank fantasy featuring hot chicks in jumpsuits doing kung-fu à la Kill Bill, except with Slimer instead of David Carradine? For fuck's sake, please don't do this.

Besides, the world does not need a dumbassed half-ironic cover of the theme song as performed by Fall Out Boy.

Part 2: The Death of the Reboot

Director Fran Rubel Kuzui has decided to relaunch the Buffy the Vampire Slayer film franchise with a sequel that "would have no connection to the TV series, nor would it use popular supporting characters like Angel, Willow, Xander or Spike." I am sure the fans will just love this idea.

Taking hold of the "In every generation there is a Chosen One" clause in the TV series' opening narration, Kuzui will steer the series in a new direction, one that involves zero input from creator Joss Whedon. I am sure the fans will just love this idea too.

Good luck with that!